STINKY JOHN JONES

Driver's Education

On any given day, I am in the car for about 90 minutes driving to and from work.....this includes dropping off and picking up the kids.  I think this has made me a magnet for idiots on the road.  So I have devised a list of things that you may or may not have learned when taking your driver's test, but you definitely should know...at least to make my life a little saner....and hopefully safer...with less cussing.

• When driving on the freeway....if you are in the right hand lane and are coming up on a ramp, if possible, move over.  I would like to enter safely, without having to maneuver around your slow ass.
• Now that you moved over, move back because you are in my way.
• Merge means merge....not stop in the middle of the road and let the other guy in.
• In Pa, you can turn right on red...unless it says, "No Turn on Red".  The other signs, such as "Wait for Green" does NOT mean you can't turn.  It means the people moving straight have a delayed green.  You can still, legally, make your turn, SO TURN!
• If you are thinking about purchasing a LARGE SUV, test drive it first....in real traffic.  If you suck...leave it at the dealer....please....I am begging you....get a compact....save us all the trouble.
• If you see a minivan coming up on your bumper....MOVE....I am in a hurry.....it's not a Buick....can't you tell I have hungry kids in this car....and they are screaming....don't you see my head hanging out the window screaming like a siren.....pretend I am an ambulance.....move to the shoulder....and let me get by.

• Finally....if you're retired.....there is no need for you to be on the road at rush hour.  You have all freakin' day to get your 1/4 pound of cheese and half dozen eggs....and your just pissing the rest of us off as you figure out what green means.

Make Me Laugh Monday

The difference between mommies and daddies.
 
 
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old. 

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a  little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her  wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'


 

Just a Couple of My Favorites from Today

Not a Creature is Stirring, Not Even a Mouse....I hope

Do you ever walk through your house at night...the kids are asleep (in their own beds), husband is passed out on the couch....and think to yourself that all is right in your world?

Tonight, as I sit here, it is 10:30pm and all is quiet.  J Boy and J Girl are all snug in their beds and the only sounds I can hear are the typing of the keyboard and Chili, the Chihuahua, snoring quite loudly in his bed under the computer desk. 

What am I thinking you may ask?  That I better get to bed fast because I only have, if I'm lucky, an hour or so before all hell breaks loose! 

notice the remote and cell are never far away.....

he's in there...you just really have to look...kinda like Waldo

Time Outs...Do They Work?

I think everyone has watched the Super Nanny at least once.....and this is her thing.  The "naughty spot" or time outs.  We have been using this age old disciplinary measure since J Girl was about a year or so.  But, does it really work?
If you would have asked me this before yesterday, I probably would have said, "Yea, sure...works for us."

but not anymore

Let me give you a little background first.....J Boy can be VERY hyper, but he is 22 months old, so that is expected.  But when he is told to sit in a time out, he is very obediant.  He will sit down, and not get up until he is told (god, that sounds like I am talking about a dog, but really, J Boy is my son).  I know, I can see the bewilderment on your faces....you are thinking...why complain, it seems as if its working. 
Now this brings us to yesterday...J Boy  was throwing matchbox cars at his sister. My normal reaction is to  take the offending toy from the boy, place him in the time out chair and explain to him why his actions are incorrect.  So that is what I did, only NOW the boy can talk....so as I am making my point he is nodding his head and saying, "'kay, 'kay, 'kay" in a very condescending voice (can you believe the little shit!)  At this point, I decide that he needs to sit and think about what we just discussed, so I walk away. 
Just as I am outside of arms length of him, he laughs, hops off the chair, picks up a car and hurls it at me all the while still giggling like a school girl!

TIME OUTS DO NOT WORK! 

These moments bring me back to when fathers use to take their children in another room, lay them over their lap, and beat them with their belt.  Welts don't last for "their age in minutes"...their sting is much longer, and a constant reminder of what they were being disciplined for.

But I am quickly brought back out of the stone age and into reality where beating your child is considered child abuse and puts a huge damper on their ego. So what does a Mother do you ask?  I yelled for his Father to deal with him....there, take that you little imp...now your Father is rounding the corner...watch out, you hear me....here he comes....and he's probably gonna....drum roll please......................................
tell you to knock it off and give your hair a little ruffle, because come on, he's a boy, he's supposed to be rough and tough and full of gruff.

That's what I am dealing with folks....now you understand. 

Finding A Good Pediatrician

Not long ago I posted a problem we had with our current pediatrician, if you are not familiar with the story, you can look here.   
Well, that was January and I still have not found a pediatrician yet. (yea, yea, I know...but believe me, I am not lazy...its tough, and I have asked everyone...and from what I can gather...not many parents like their pediatrician enough to even recommend them.)
We are kinda hanging in limbo....if the kids are sick, we just call the witch doctor and let him treat them.  If they have hanging limbs, well that's easy, hospital.  But if they need a well check, or their immunizations, we have nowhere to call or go.  So, I am in the hunt for a kiddie doctor...but not just any kiddie doctor....one that contains a certain criteria that I have set in my mind, and so far....no matches.  I wish they had a site that matches neurotic Mothers with matching Doctors...and I have the perfect name too:
What's up Doc!

But what is one to do in this situation?  How did you find your pediatrician?  Do you like him/her? 

A request to my good, smart readers....since most of you write blogs that have achieved a reading level well above mine...look over what I am seeking in a pediatrician and let me know if any or all sound unreasonable.

• First off, the office:  When I call, I would like a real, live person to answer the phone (politely) and not have to sit on hold for longer than a couple minutes.
• If I am calling because my child is sick, please do not put a nurse on asking me if I have tried this or that.  Of course I tried everything else to alleviate the symptoms....who in there right mind wants to make an unnecessary trip to the doctor's office dragging behind one sick and one soon to be sick kid.
• Which leads me to my next request:  I understand that there are emergencies, and that one day it could be us needing the doctor right away, but come on.  I don't want to sit in a waiting room for an hour trying to keep two toddlers quite staring at that stupid sign that says, "Please, no food or drink in the waiting room."  How the hell do you expect me to keep these kids calm....I need to put food in their mouths to stave off the screaming. 
• And another thing, if you do take us right back....don't have us sit in that 4'x4' room for, like ever, and then come in and say how misbehaved the kids are at the doctors office.  Or next time I am going to lock YOU in a closet for an hour then let you out and see what happens.
• Now that we have the office down, I would like to move onto the most important thing...the guy/gal with the degree.
• When my child is visibly upset because he/she has been here before and understands what it feels like to get needles shoved into his/her body, don't look at me like I am some horrible Mother who cannot quite down her child/children so you don't have to scream.  This is how we are, deal with it...that's why our insurance company pays you the big bucks.
• I will ask for advise if I need it...don't offer me your condescending bullshit unless I ask for it...hear me? Stick to medicine, I will screw up their personalities if I wanna.
• When I bring my child in for a sick visit and you say, no meds...I understand.  I don't believe in unnecessarily medicating my children either.  But when I bring in same said child for the third time and the cough has been lingering, keeping her awake for a month or more....GIVE ME THE FREAKIN' ANTIBIOTIC!
• And when I say, "You know, something just isn't right here." LISTEN TO ME! I am their Mommy, I know!
• Finally, take a moment to understand who we are as a family, know our names, spend more that 3 minutes in the room with us, become a friend to my children.  I understand you have a very busy schedule, but so do we...and we have taken the time to WAIT for this visit, so the least you can do is provide us with the time we deserve.

Bad Mommy, Bad Mommy, Whatcha Gonna Do......

whatcha gonna do when they come for you.............

Scene:

J Girl acting out...cannot recall the exact unbecoming behavior (there are many in a day). 
Me:  "This is your warning, now quit it."
J Girl stops said behavior and promptly rolls her eyes and walks away.

Short time later: 

J Girl carrying out exact action she was warned for, while thinking she is not within eye-shot of me. 
Me (from around the corner):  "You had your warning, now go sit in a time out."
J Girl runs to the time out chair in a hideous rage while screaming.....
    "I'm gonna call COPS on you Mommy!  They are gonna take you away for being mean!"

Lesson: 

Never teach that child how to dial 911.

What's This Crap!?!?!?

Movie Reviews

 

Wonder what they think of the word "crap"? 
I heard first graders are studying my blog as an assignment for English...how many grammatical errors can you spot in one sentence. 

Thanks Robert from Thoughts of a Father for pointing this out to me.  Guess I should start looking into a ghost writer to boost my blog's reading level...or just use SUPER­CALI­FRAGI­LISTIC­EXPI­ALI­DOCIOUS.

Let's see what happens now!

Baby, I'm Back!

If you read my Easter post...then you were the last person to see (or read) me with my head off the pillow.....

I slept through Easter...that's right...I missed it all...the egg hunt, dinner, the kids getting their baskets from the Easter bunny....and I didn't, or couldn't, take one picture.....which is why you will see none.

I think I had some sort of Ebola virus or something, well not really, but I found a really good picture of one so I had to say that. (looky down there, and that just gave me an idea of a good photoshop picture to do so stay tuned for that one later.)

Anyway, that virus really kicked me on my arse and I spent that day and the next in bed barely able to lift my wee little head off the pillow.  Lucky for me, the kids just love it when I am sick and continue to jump on the bed even after I puke on them.  They love me so much. 

But I saw the light, and was able to rise above it....and neither of the kids got sick so I thank the good Lord for that...even if I still have an upset stomach and can't pilfer from the kids candy loot!

Hope yours was a great one...had to be better than mine, unless you really do have the Ebola virus...then I am so deeply sorry if this offends you.

Now....this is where the blog post title comes into play....sometimes, we need to listen to a little rap to know just how fulfilled our life really is!

Happy Easter!

Just a couple treats....first, if you have not seen THIS then go check it out.  We have been singing this all weekend. 

Now...I have created a little treat for you....I think this is absolutely freakin' adorable....and J Boy cannot believe his eyes!  (Only if it truly happened this way, it could have saved me a lot of time and energy!)
Click on the image....it will bring it to life!  Enjoy!

STOP.....
Don't forgot to click on me!