STINKY JOHN JONES

Crocodiles are fun too!

This weekend was HOT!  It only takes a couple warm, muggy days to get me in the pool.  I enjoy swimming, but I am more of a lounge chair with a smoothie and a good book while floating around type of person.  Every once in a while I may "fall off" my float to cool off, but I always get right back on. 

So, this weekend I was all excited to get my float out and relax.  Only, come to find out, Big Daddy threw it away cause it had a hole.  One lousy hole I say, have you ever heard of something called a patch!  After throwing a little fit I glanced over and saw the Crocodile.  If you have never seen one, let me give you a visual........

See...it's kinda like that, only different.  Anyway, I held onto the side, shimmied my butt onto this float, but I couldn't get stable.  So I spanned across
it on my stomach, using a pool noodle to gain more
stability as I finally pushed off the side.  Ta-da.  I had it.  I was finally floating around only I had this nagging feeling that the kids would want their toy back.  Oh, that wasn't a feeling at all...that was them screaming from the side that it was their turn.  Only I closed my eyes and played dead.  After a few minutes, they gave up and found something else to torture play with.

Up to this point, J Boy refused to come into the pool.  I had filled the baby pool for him and he was perfectly content.  It had been this way ever since the pool was opened this year.  But, as we all know, J Boy is never content so it didn't take long for him to become accustomed to the water.  Actually, it only took once, one jump and now he's hooked.  The best part...that little bugger can swim!  At 2!  Although he is wearing swimmies....he is kicking his feet and moving his arms to hurl himself all around the pool.

Take a look!

The time I turned my kid into a hypochondriac.

Warning...you may want to get a stiff drink and pull up a chair...Momma's about to get winded.

    Late last summer I was, if I remember correctly, lazying around while the kids played quietly.  At that age, J Boy was just a year and J Girl was 3, they would play nicely together for hours. (Hey! This is my story...I can remember it any which way I please.)  Well, not really, but the fighting seemed to be less anyway. 
As I was enjoying some quiet time, J Girl came running while screaming that there was a spider in the playroom.  Then, a spider to her could have been anything.  She thought a piece of lint on the rug was a spider so I was in no rush to comply.  I meandered into the playroom following behind a hysterical toddler as I asked where this "spider" was.  She pointed to J Boy who was sitting contently on the floor.  Just then, he opened his hand.  Something flew out and hit the window.  I looked over.  J Girl screamed.   I looked again, and there it was.  The mother load.  The mother of all mother loving bugs with wings.  A wasp!  I screamed.  J Girl screamed again.  I grabbed by baby off the floor, who at this point was crying big fat tears and ran for the phone.
OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD I thought as I put J Girl in the other room and dialed.
"My son," I yell at the nurse who answered at the pediatrician's office, "He was holding a wasp and it has stung him.  What do I do, he has never been stung before. Hell, I have never been stung before."
"Okay.  What I want you to do is give him a dose of Benadryl right away.  Now, wasps can sting multiple times.  Does his hand have more than one red mark like it had been stung?"
"Yes, oh God.  It looks like 4 or 5 I think!"
"Okay, what we need to do right now is get some ice on it.  You are going to watch him for the next hour for any type of reaction.  If anything seems abnormal you are to call us back, or if he is not breathing, call 911." 

J Boy had calmed at this point but J Girl is still screaming in the living room.  I told her I was going to kill the bug and that she needs to sit on the floor right there in the hallway and hold the ice on her brother's hand.  I would be right back.  I ran down the hall and began to stalk the bee.  I tried to use a large book but it was too bulky.  So I grabbed the next best thing, the vacuum.  I plugged it in, grabbed the hose extension and ran for the little bugger while I was screaming, "Die you bastard!"  I finally got him sucked up in the bag!  I shoved the extension back into it's holder, pulled the plug and heaved the vacuum out onto the front lawn just in case that wasp was still alive and found a way out. 

For the next hour I tended to my baby's hand as I calmed my toddler (and myself).  As it turned out, J Boy was fine.  The stings didn't bother him in the least, not even a touch of swelling.  Life went on as usual as summer came into fall and fall to winter and winter into spring which takes us to about now.

The point of this story?  I may have scarred my child for life.  With summer here again, bugs with wings are plentiful.  J Girl's first interaction this year with said "bug" was with my In-laws.  Somehow a fly had entered their vehicle while driving.  This prompted her to become hysterical.  She was screaming  and flailing about in her carseat that they had to pull over, get her out and corral the fly in order for them to continue home.  Let's just say they were not happy. 
The second time was with my parents at the mountains.  Same reaction, only this time my Mom taught her a song, "Shoo fly, shoo fly, don't bodder me, don't bodder me" while waving her hands around like a crazy person.  It worked, but only for a short while.   We found this out the hard way on Saturday when she saw a bee.  Granted the bee was roughly 100 feet away, it was a bee none the less.  Let's just say I am surprised the neighbors didn't call the police. 

So, was it my fault?  Have I turned my poor child into a hypochondriac?  Does she have a valid reason to hate all things with wings?  And wouldn't you think the boy, who was stung multiple times, should be the one freaking?
Some say yes.  That if I remained calm she may have not noticed.  Only, who the hell can be calm when dealing with a flying bug that enjoys the taste of human blood.  Not me.

Hey! I've Made It!

Hey!  Head on over and click on my picture!  I am the one in the television!  I have finally made it to Top Momma....so keep me up there and keep it a clicking! 

Can you padlock a fridge?

Last night was interesting to say the least.  Around 7pm, (I know that for sure since Children's Hospital had to call me back at 8pm.....you'll see why) the kids and I were just hanging out.  They already had their baths and were just killing some time before bed.  I left them playing fighting in the playroom as I straightened up around the house. 

I heard the fridge door shut.  I knew it was J Boy, since he has been able to open the fridge lock for a while now.  I yelled down the hall at him to put the condiments away and shut the door, which is what he usually does in the fridge.  Although last week he was playing with the eggs like they were bouncy balls, but that's a story for another day. 

Then silence.  If you have a child, or children, you understand that silence is never good.  It is usually a good sign that something is about to be broken, is already broken, or a child is stuck in a precarious position that no one will ever understand how they got there in the first place.  But, silence is something that gets me moving a little faster.  As I rounded the kitchen corner J Girl bumped into my legs.  She stopped, look up and yelled, "J Boy is drinking the medicine!" as she pointed to the playroom doorway.
THAT was when I saw IT.

"What?!?!?!?!" with a guttural scream as I ran for the boy now guzzling pink liquid that I knew was Amoxicillin left over from J Girl's last illness.  I grabbed the bottle in one hand cradled the boy with the other and ran for the phone.  I dialed Poison Control.  This is not the first time Poison Control and I have spoken.  And if you stick around for a while, I am sure the girl on the other line will be accompanying us to J Boy's graduation. 

"Poison Control, what's your emergency?" the woman answered.
"Um, yes.  My son opened a CHILD PROOF cap on a bottle of liquid Amoxicillin and drank it!" as I set him on the kitchen counter and began wiping pink ooze from around his mouth.
"How much did he consume?" she asked.
"I don't really know.  My daughter took this for 10 days, 3 times a day. So whatever that comes out to be.  According to the bottle, there was 150 ml in it to begin with." as I read the label.
"Is there any left in the bottle?" she prompted calmly as I think she could tell I was about to lose it.
"A little, wait let me measure it." as I threw open the utensil drawer and rummaged around for a measuring spoon still cradling the boy under my arm, who is now thinking this is a game.
"Hello?  There is 3 teaspoons left in the bottle." I told her when I got back on the phone.
"Okay, so according to this, he MAY have consumed 3-4 teaspoons.  You should watch for stomachache and possible vomiting, but that is more likely to happen had he consumed more.  Even double that.  It is a very mild antibiotic so there isn't a real cause for alarm at this moment."
"Oh, thank god.  But what if there was more in the bottle?  What if he drank more than I think he drank?" Considering the fast that I may not have been so diligent on getting J Girl her antibiotic as often as was needed.  Crap, I can't remember when or if I took my own.
"Even if he drank double, say 8 teaspoons, he may have some mild stomach discomfort, but again there is nothing that is a cause for alarm.  Give him a light snack and watch him for the next hour.  I will call you back at 8pm to reassess."
"Okay, great. Talk to you then." as I hung up the phone and finally set the boy down who promptly went back to riffle through the condiments in the fridge.

At 8pm on the dot, Poison Control called back.
"How is J Boy?" she asked.
"Fine!  Can you believe it?  No stomach ache, nothing.  That kid must have rock solid insides that's for sure." as I watched him leap from the top of the sofa and roll across the floor as he thinks landing on his feet is for wusses. 

....what do you think?
Could this be the answer to my prayers?

Women are from Mars, Men are from UR ANUS......

....that's how it should go.   

Moving on....came across a couple ditties that I was sure would get a chuckle....thought I would share. 

I have three of these, two young and one old, mentioned above.....what do I do?

Male-isms......

YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE
DUCT TAPE.

IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

My only question to the two above....why?  Why what you may ask?  Why can't I just hire someone to fix it first, we knew before you even tried that you were totally going to make it worse.

Just the Usual

That's how things have been around here.....usual.  Nothing fascinating, just the same old same old.  Grass needs cutting, pool vacuuming, cars washed, laundry done and put away, you know...the things that sit on the back burner until either the neighbors complain or the kids are naked. 

So, for your amusement, here are just a few of the "ordinary" things that happen round here.......

The boy....where to begin.......first off, he is fascinated with the potty.  When all is quiet, you can normally find him completely dressed sitting on the hopper.  We did have some success over the weekend...the sweet sound of release into the potty.  But, other than that, he is perfectly happy to sit, then phantom wipe and with a quick flush wave bye bye to the "pee" in the toilet.  I have explained to him that flushing needlessly is a waste of water and not very green for Mother Earth, but I usually get no response.   

    When he is not in the bathroom, there are two spots left to look.  The fridge, where his love of condiments are contained, or the dryer, where he enjoys quiet time to reflect, or collect lint. Whatever, he's strange.   

Now, onto the girl......let's just say she is like an ambulance.....you know one is coming cause you hear the sirens, but you have yet to get a visual.  That's her.  You will more than likely find her in a dress up riding outfit loping around on a stick horse.  Sometimes the horse is naughty, and he won't stop in order for her to do the simplest things, like get dressed, eat, take a bath, sleep, etc.  I have expressed my concern with this issue and even threatened to sell the horse to the dog food suppliers, but she is adamantly opposed. 

    Free Willy still lives in our pool from day to day but he can also be found in our living room, where you oughta be careful you don't step on him, cause he doesn't like that.  Good for us he isn't a picky eater...throwing some scraps to him is good enough according to his trainer.  She states that he likes cookies and fruit snacks, and although I have never seen Willy eat any, he must, cause the bag is always empty.   I had to draw the line at ice cream though.  Seems as if Willy was none to happy about that as he decided to bite me when I stepped on his head getting to the couch.

All in all, not much going on.  If I were a kid who lived here, I'd move out early.  But that's just me. 

Six Word Memoir

Okay, I am a little late....but Margie over at Gunning It tagged me!  It goes something like this.........

The meme originated over an idea that was prompted by the book written by Larry Smith & Rachel Fershleiser, Not Quite What I Was Planning: Six Word Memoirs by Writers Famous & Obscure. It’s a compilation based on the story that Hemingway once bet ten dollars that he could sum up his life in six words. His words were, “For Sale: Baby Shoes, Never Worn.”

1. Write your own six word memoir.

2. Post it to your blog including a visual illustration if you would like.

3. Link to the person who tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blog sphere.

    Here is Margie's link: http://chesapeakeribbons.blogspot.com/ 

 
4. Tag 5 more blogs with links.

5. Don’t forget to leave a comment in the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.

Alrighty, so here is my Six Word Memoir:

   

I have kids.......why I'm CRAZY!

The End.

Now for the tag:

Beth

Carol

Rachel

Robert

Beth

 

Have fun! And let me know when your done so I can read!

Ponderings......

I opened my email this morning and found this little wonder in my in-box from my brother-in-law.  At first I thought it was just another stupid men are better than women joke (he knows to send me these rather than tell it in person as I am sure he values the "jewels") but it was something better.  Something I think deserves a little more thought.

These "ponderings" are kind of along the lines of, um, let's say....the Noah's Ark story.  You know, the one about the guy who God came too and was told to build an Ark cause it was gonna rain for forty days and forty nights and blah blah blah but at the end the poor man found out he was to take two of every animal and load in onto this boat to keep life going.  (Take a breath, it was a long one I know).

So, my thoughts on this.....why oh why of all things holy did he not squash those two mosquito's?  Or ticks, or lice for that matter.  Did we really need to save the cockroaches?

Now that you are catching my drift....let's get started......

    Here is the first one:   Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

            My thoughts?  Because panties are meant to cover up two private areas (or 4 if your a man who happens to enjoy wearing women's undies) hence the plural use of the word panties.  So I can totally agree with that.  But, since a bra was invented by a man, and men do not understand that "breasts" are actually two body parts, the word was always thought of as being singular.  Now, lets totally blow this thing out of the water, m'kay?   When a man is referring to the upper region of a woman, he rarely refers to just one "boob" or "breast", right?  Doesn't it usually go something like this, "Hey, nice tits!"  Notice the s at the end of the word "tits".  That's plural, correct?   But, I guess we aren't talking about the singular use of the word "boobs" as we are the word "bra".  So my best guess is that although there are two body parts, and two cups those said body parts are smashed into everyday, the contraption is really just one unit, hence the singular use of the word bra. 
Sorry ladies...I tried but we live in a man's world, until we can get Hillary in that is.

   
    Let's go for another:  If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

        My thoughts?  Now this is an easy one.....cause Jimmy is actually "doing" crack.  See, it's kinda like that song, Puff the Magic Dragon.  If you still believe in dragons, or you are under the age of 18, please cover your eyes, this is not meant for you.  Okay, if you are still with me then I am about to burst your bubble.  The song is really about smoking dope.  There is no dragon who lives by the sea.  Just one big doobie being passed around among the band who were too high to come up with some better lyrics.

   

    What do you say, one more?
    If you must:  Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
                        at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out
                        the window?

        My thoughts?   Who cares. All I know is that when a toddler sticks their finger in the back hole the poor dog screams like a little girl. 

Turtles

When I was writing about our min-vaca, I kept thinking there was something I was forgetting.   I tried to go over our days one by one recalling every detail, but still, nothing.  I mean there was the drive, the lake, golf cart, pee, screaming, crying, ice cream, rides.....but I still had that nagging feeling. 

Last night I was talking to my Mom who happened to say this very thing when it clicked....that's it!

Now I can pass it along........................

Saturday morning we were sitting on the deck that overlooks their front yard.  Now, when I say front yard I mean front forest.  Anyway, we were getting ready to head down to the beach and I wanted to fix J Girl's hair.  It kept flying in her face and that bothers me, oh and of course her, so I began to put it up.  At first I had no idea what I was going to do with it, so I started with two ponytails which I braided.  Then I got this bright idea I would wrapped them around like Princess Leah and secure them with a pony holder. 

In the midst of wrapping, my Mom made an off color comment that went something like this,
"Ugh, what are you doing to her head?  They look like turds up there."
(Gotta love her...she always tells it like it is.)

Alrighty.  Well, they kinda did, but I was going with it.  She was only going to play in sand and dirty lake water anyway.

BUT, the child does not miss anything, although she might miss a few letters.....
"Mommy?  Why are you putting turtles on my head?"

Yup, there turtles, now live with it.

Look down there, below this post, and you will see what I mean.

I've Been Tagged...............

by Kellie over at Confessions of an Organized Mess! (she's great by the way, so check her out!)
So here goes...........

——— START HERE ————-

Instructions:
1. Copy and paste this tag from “Start Here” to “End Here”. (don’t forget the image)
2. Place your blog’s name with your URL at the end of the tag. If you have more than one blog, please add them too! Just make sure that you post this tag in all of your blogs.
3. Tag 5 blogs that is not yet in this post (just to avoid duplications ^_^ )
4. This is the twist… Go to the 5 blogs that you tagged and comment on any of their posts. Why? So that search engines can crawl to your site. ^_^
5. Return to the Momhood Moments blog and leave a comment saying that you joined the tag together with the URL of the tag. I’ll be checking on it and add you in the master list.

Momhood Moments Tags You List:
1. Momhood Moments 2. Business Mars 3. Concealed Mind 4. http://www.ritzie.info/ 5. Vhiel’s Corner 6. Anything and Everything in Between 7. Can of Thoughts 8. moms….. check nyo 9. Mummy Diaries 10. It Is Nap Time 11. Lora’s Journal
12.  My Life as Mama Jodi 13.  Confessions of an Organized Mess 14. Stinky John Jones
——— END HERE ————-

I am tagging some of my Philly Mom Bloggers!
    Katia
    Margie
    Kim
    Laurie
    Jo-Lynn