STINKY JOHN JONES

Fluff

Just as the title suggests, what you are about to read is Fluff.  It's been a slow week, weather not so great, which means that not much happening.  Unless you consider J Girl falling asleep in the Barbie Jeep and crashing into our shed something to tell.  Really?  Well, that is my best guess as I was sitting on the patio and my view wasn't all that great.  From what I could see, one moment she was riding around and the next I looked over to see her head slumped over with her foot still on the gas. 

Moving on, the following is a little quirk brought to you by one of the imps that happen to inhabit our home........

     I wish someone could have explained little boys to me BEFORE I had one.  Because, I tell you, they are strange creatures for sure.  J Boy, at one time, was fascinated with hineys......butts......ass. However you look at it, he USED to love them.  If I was changing, he was right there.  No sooner would I get my pants off before his hand shot out and slapped me on the rear.  I don't know if it was the jiggle or the sound, but either way, he enjoyed it.  Getting in the shower, there he was, waiting like I was about to give him a lollipop.....slap!
His own back end?  Well....often times you would find him with his hand down his diaper, although front or back....it didn't matter to him really. 
USED to love them being the key word as he has moved on to bigger and better things.  Breasts.  It all started out innocently enough, you know, normal toddler stuff.  For example, if I was holding him, he would pull out my shirt, look down and say, "boobies?"  Ha ha we would laugh, and then move on.  Later, it was pull the shirt out, look down, and say, "Oh boobies!"  Ha ha we would laugh, and then move on. 

It wasn't until LATER, that I knew. 

J Boy was in the bedroom watching television with Big Daddy who happened to flip to a music video for some old school rapper....LL Cool J I think.....you know the type, girls dancing around shaking their butts in the air like they just don't care.  Shake Shake Shake.   I glanced over to J Boy thinking he would probably start dancing.  Only he wasn't interested in dancing.  His eyes were glued to the screen.  Oh, isn't that cute, he likes LL,  I said.  But, nope.  It wasn't LL he was enjoying. 
It was then, that I noticed IT.....the hand signal if you will.  There was my baby, my little baby boy.....with his fists in the air, opening and closing both hands very slowly as he stared, intently, at the screen covered in female parts bouncing around.

That's right, go back and re-read it.....my little boy.....was air squeezing boobies.   Oh how their likes change. 

My Insurance Rates Just Went Up

See for yourself...........

I told you that kid was dangerous behind the wheel.  At this point I am eternally grateful to whomever had the bright idea to raise the driving age in our state. Now hurry up and check it out......it's coming down before our Insurance Carrier gets a hold of it!

Back to Reality

It's Monday....and when I woke up this morning, I was none to happy that I couldn't lounge around on the deck in my pj's until noon.  Back to work, back to the grind. 

We had a good weekend....alls well.  Seems as if the sickness has left the building which I am extremely grateful for.  Other than that, not much to tell.  Just a relaxing time for sure.  So I leave you with a kid moment that really got a rise this weekend.

On Saturday, we ran down to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  BEFORE we even went in, Big Daddy went over the rules.  No running, pushing, crying, complaining, no taking things off the shelf, you will stay right with us, J Boy you will sit in the cart and for the finale......you will BEHAVE!

"Okay, Daddy!" J Girl piped in as she jumped out of the van, "I'm being-have right?"

Of course....here is a shot of the infamous Barbie Jeep.  Now, before you even ask.....yes, I did ride it, but no, there will never be any picture of it.  Believe me, it was not the most flattering position.

And here's one of the Dam we visited......the view was breath-taking.  Mostly because we were really high up in some rugged territory.....and we all know Big Daddy is not the best driver around when it comes to these type of conditions.  Let's just say poor J Girl woke up when we reached the top and began screaming for him NOT to drive into the water!

See that guardrail?  Well, lets just say the Army Corps of Engineers had Big Daddy in mind when they erected that!

Bust a Move

On the way home from the mountains, we were listening (again, I know) to some old school rap.  This time it was Young M.C.!  Here are the kids "dancing" in their car seats.

Just in case you were wondering.......that's J Girl using Chili as a set of drums.  Lucky for her he has a good amount of "padding" for protection!

Excuse me, Miss? Do you have insurance?

The Barbie Jeep.  You know...the one I will be cruising around in later tonight.  Anyway,  this Jeep has been sitting in my living room for almost 2 months.  Apparently it needed to have a little recall work done at the dealer in order to handle the new fangled batteries.  But, in true car dealer fashion, getting any work done is like pulling teeth.  I was just about to call the Lemon law lawyer when, by some miracle, it got fixed.

Which brings us to this morning.  Batteries are fully charged, the kids are sitting patiently with J Girl in the driver's seat and J Boy riding shotgun.  Big Daddy is under the hood working his magic.  No sooner did the connections touch when the Jeep lerched forward mowing down Big Daddy in the process.  As I stood to the side trying to hold in my laughter I heard J Girl say, "Oops.  My foot slipped."

Lets just hope she never mistakes the gas for the brake and drives through our house.

Ramblings.........

Today brings the family back to the land of wellness.....for the most part.  Fever, vomit, chills are all just a  memory.  But life wouldn't be the same in Stinky John Jones land if everything were perfectly normal now would it. 

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed.  I check myself to make sure I wasn't still in a fever induced dream and nope....I'm fine.  Big Daddy was also looking chipper along with J Girl.  And although J Boy was his usual rambunctious self we were greeted with a rather unusual site at his diaper change.  Hives.  Yup, hives....all over his body.  Up the front and down the back and the poor boy was walking around scratching his butt like mad.  Lucky, it was nothing a round of Benadryl and a cool bath won't cure, although we don't quite know the origin of these little buggers yet.  If my suspicions are correct, I think it may have something to do with the copious amounts of strawberries the boy has been shoveling lately. 

Onto better things.....we will be mountain bound this evening for a (hopefully) relaxing weekend by the lake.  Heres to hoping everyone stays sick-free, hive-free and even bug-free. 

Oh, and today is my Birthday.  I know...you want my address to send all those wonderful gifts but gotta draw the line there.  I did pack a cake mix and icing since I requested Big Daddy bake me a delicious cake and hand it to me with a fork.  So that is gift enough.  Especially since I fore-warned the fam I would NOT be sharing.  I'm selfish like that.  Besides, my hips need a little filling out to match my thighs.  Maybe if they're nice I will let them lick the crumbs off my shirt or something.

Hi-dee-ho....off we go.......oh, and one more thing.......it seems as if a certain little girl got her Daddy all wrapped up 'round her finger cause I heard there is a certain Barbie jeep in the back of the van.  Last I heard, someone was thinking she was gonna "patrol" the beach.  We'll just see about that....Mommy just might have a few drinks tonight to celebrate and need to cruise the strip in style.

Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach, Diarrhea

That commercial always cracks me up........until now.

The last couple of days the entire family has been fighting at least one of these symptoms......but include fever and chills.

So, to say the least.....we've been down and out.  Kinda like this........

Six Quirky Things

I'm it! 
Seems as if my PMB friend Kelly @ A Rainbow after the Rain tagged me!  Now, just so you know..it was hard to come up with six....or any for that matter....since I am "perfect in every way".  At least that's what the mirror tells me every day.  Oh wait.....I just mixed up two movies didn't I.  Oh well........

1.  I am a remote control freak.  If I'm not holding it, it's really hard for me to watch TV. 

2.  I can't stand when drawers, cabinet door or closets are left open.  They are there to be shut...so shut it!

3.  I often pretend I am sleeping if something happens in the middle of the night that requires my attention. 

4.  Cashews are my weakness.  I have been known to open a can and just about finish it in one sitting.

5.  Only thing beating cashews are cherries....or potato chips.

6.  Sometimes, if there are only a few chips left, I will hide them from the kids and finish them late at night in my bed!

Thanks Kelly for the tag!   The rules say I am supposed to tag 5 more.....but we all know I am a rule breaker!  So, if you having a "blog fart" and need some filler....by all means, take it! 
BTW.....I am definitely making a button for that one!

A Quick "Sorry" to the Housekeeper

    Last year, or this year since our trip fell in-between, we took the kids to Disney.  For some reason, that I can only chalk up to complete insanity, we thought it would be fun for everyone to spend New Years in the happiest place on Earth.   A little tip before we begin.....never, and I mean never, go to Disney on this holiday.  Or any holiday for that matter.  Unless you enjoy 100,000 people pushing you around trying to get to the hottest rides.  Add two small children to the mix and it's a recipe for disaster. 

So, our trip.  Where do I begin?  Oh, yea.  The flight down sounds good.  Another disaster in the making. I booked our flight out at 6:00am. I know, crazy.  But my thought was that if we got down there early enough it would give us an extra day to enjoy the park.  Besides, the kids would be so tired, they would sleep for the flight, right?   In hind sight, and another tip, DON'T do this either, and here's why.

Although it SOUNDED great...it's not.  For one, we had to be at the airport two hours early.  Which meant 4:00am.  Yup, 4am.  THIS wasn't a big deal.  The kids handled that part well.  BUT, we never anticipated a LINE at 4am!  By the time we got to the counter we were late, which meant they HAD to bump us to a later flight.  That's right....two small children in the airport at 4:01 am and now we had to wait ANOTHER 2 hours for the later flight.   Let's just say that by the time we got on the plane the kids were all juiced up on sugary snacks....take that US Air. 

Well....we got there.  The flight wasn't too bad and surprisingly, the kids enjoyed it.  BUT, it gets better.  Over the winter, poor J Girl was sick.  Throughout the winter I should say.  Not sick sick, but with a cough.  A cough that causes frequent bouts of, what I like to call, snot vomit.  Before we left she had been doing well and at this point we thought we were in the clear. 

Fast forward.....we arrive at the hotel and Big Daddy heads to the front desk.  They say our room won't be ready for another couple hours, but they had a smoking room that they would clean thoroughly for us.  We agreed, since at this time we needed to get rid of our crap.  When we got to the room, it still smelled.  So off to the front desk I go.  Picture me, pissed since it hadn't been a good day so far, getting my point across to the staff that we were heading to the park, and when we got back I expected our room to be PRISTINE.  New sheets, blankets, comforters, towels, and just about anything else that was fabric in that room.  YOU WILL CLEAN IT WELL....I think I said, only maybe slightly nastier. 

Fast forward again to later that night.  We arrive back, the kids are tired, we are exhausted and everyone wants to just pass out.  The room was clean.....and I have to say they did a good job.  BUT, and this is just another reason why Big Daddy refuses to EVER go to Disney again,  just as we were laying down, we heard IT.  The sound.  You know, the one that surely ends in snot vomit.  Big Daddy got to her first just as she was letting go.  Yup, all over the clean sheets I DEMANDED be changed.  But it didn't end there.  This child must have been holding it all in because we ended up using all the towels too!   So, off I go, to the front desk, only this time, to politely ask for MORE fresh sheets, blankets, comforters and towels. 

Lucky for us they were very understanding and rushed them over.  THIS TIME.

The next night, and the one after....not so much.  And when we called yet again when J Boy broke a glass all over the bathroom.....well, let's just say lucky for us, we didn't need to stay another night.  I think if we were late for our flight, they would have flown us home on the CEO's personal jet. 

What's better......we didn't see one single firework on New Years Eve!  Uh-huh.  That evening, as we left our stroller in the parking area, we headed in to a show.  Upon our return we found it had poured.  ALL OVER OUR STROLLER AND CONTENTS!  Besides the fact that we were in Epcot since Magic Kingdom closed down at 10am that day due to over capacity!   

What are YOU looking at!

The other day we had to make a quick run to Target.  Just a short one.  No browsing over the dollar spot.  No shoe aisle.  Not even toys.  In and out was our motto since the kiddies were already cranky. 

So, we get to the check out counter, and in normal J Boy fashion, he threw a full blown fit over having to hand the checkout lady whatever he was holding.  And when I say fit, I mean hanging out the side of the cart kicking and screaming as everyone around us looks over. 

Me?  This is normal, and I have Mom ears. I don't even think I realized he was in total tantrum mode until I saw HER.  You know, THAT WOMAN.  The one in the next aisle cooing over her adorable infant in the stroller.  The PERFECT MOM!  The one that is dressed to impress, with her perfect combi-stroller and her perfectly dressed baby.  Every so often, she would look over and give me THAT LOOK.  The one that says, "Oh my.  Your child is SO bad.  Look at mine.  What an angel he is!" 

At this point, J Boy was flinging himself from side to side in the cart.  Big Daddy was huffing and J Girl was pulling candy off the shelf and trying to put it on the counter.  Mommy Perfect?  Her head looked like a tennis match as she looked back and forth between us and baby perfect.  So I did what any Mother would do that needed to school the "beginners".  I swung my purse over my shoulder, picked up J Boy in a football cradle, grabbed J Girl's hand and yelled to Big Daddy, "Let's go!" 

As we made our way pass THE WOMAN I turned the screaming head in her direction just so she could get the full affect.   Why?   Well, because I wanted her to get a good glimpse into the future.  She may be oohing and aahing over her little bundle now, but soon.....very soon....that baby will grow to be a tantrum loving toddler.  And it will one day be her in cut off sweat pants and stained tank hauling ass out of Target with a screaming kid tucked under HER arm.  I just hope I am there to witness it....even if it's just to say, "I told you so!"