STINKY JOHN JONES

Stink-isms

The kids crack me up....usually on a regular basis.  But this time, this weekend, it was Stinky who had me rolling on the floor. 

Over the weekend, we made a trip to the mall in search of a baseball glove for Stink.  The boy has a way with the ball like no other two year old.  His coordination is amazing.....which I chalk up to the time he forgot to duck and the ball hit him square in the head....but hey, it worked. 

Anyway, after finding a glove we headed through the mall to window shop.  And guess what, Victoria Secret is having a sale on under ware.....7 for $25.....which is a great deal and they are ultra comfy.  As I screech to a halt in front of the store we turn in, me pushing Stink in the stroller.  And THAT is when it happened. 

"WOW!  WOW!" exclaims Stink as his eyes bug out of his head at the vision in front of him.  Bras and panties galore.  It was like his dream came true.  Although, thank God, he wasn't air squeezing anything. 
"Stinky!" I gasped as other shoppers began to stare. 

BUT, that's not all.  EVERY TIME we passed a mannequin, he would rub her legs.
Finally, I handed him off to Dave. 

"Here!  Deal with your son!"
"What?  He's a boy." was his answer as they high-fived. 

At least I got some great under ware, right?

Moving on.............

As I am sure you know, Stink is slightly obsessed with Binkys.   And not just ANY binky either.  It HAS to be a certain binky that one can only buy at Babies R Us.  Of course.  And if the store isn't bad enough, those binks are EXPENSIVE! 
Needless to say, we have been trying ever so diligently (Mom, if you are reading....let's keep the whole, "You just have to be mean." comment to ourselves.  I know.  But for the purpose of this story, let's pretend I am.) to rid ourselves of this binky problem. 
One day, the last Golden Binky went missing.  And that's when it came to me.  I will not travel the great distance to THAT store just to buy a VERY EXPENSIVE binky.  No more!  BUT, we can't cut him off cold turkey.  He will for sure have the DT's like an addict.  So I did what any other person in our situation would do.  I went down the street to the drug store, and bought VERY CHEAP binkys.  CURE!

"Here Stink." as I handed it to him.

He looked it over.  Turned it around here and there.  Plopped it in his mouth.  Pulled it back out.  Studied it again.  Plopped it back in.  Turned it round and round in his mouth.  Back out again.  Then back in.  Finished.  That little bugger accepted the new bink.  JUST LIKE THAT! 
CRAP!

It has been months.  I have been back to that drugstore numerous times on binky runs.  Sometimes during the day, sometimes late at night when the screams I can take no more. 

Here's the kicker.  Stink and I were looking at pictures one evening. 
"That's Chachi!" he would yell when a picture of his sister came up on the computer.
"That's Daddy!" he exclaimed.
"That's you, Mommy!" as he pointed to me.
"THAT'S BINK!" as he began to jump up and down pointing and screaming. 
And there is was.....a picture of him with the GOLDEN BINK.  In all it's glory.  It was like he had lost a friend when the picture turned to another.  His face lost that glow it held, even for just a moment. 

"Where bink at?" he asked me with the saddest pouty face.
"All gone." I answered as I flipped my hands back and forth in the air.
"Oh.  Okay."
And with that, he plopped VERY CHEAP bink back in and went on with his day.

 

Just Another Bad-Mommy Moment

Sunday here was a really dreary day.  Drizzling off and on for most of the afternoon only to turn to torrential downpours as the sun went down.   Needless to say, we spent the better part of the afternoon and evening reading to the kids in front of the television.  That being said, bath time and movie came fairly early.

Both kids decided to watch a movie in Chachi's room.  We got them all snuggled up in her bed, turned on one of their favorites and resumed our places on the couch in the living room.  Not long after, Dave made his way to the bedroom for the Eagles game since he is well aware no sport of any kind is to take up MY precious television viewing.  On his way, he notified me, by screaming down the hallway, that both kids were fast asleep side by side.  AAahhhhhhhh.

At about 11pm, I decided that if I want to be the least bit coherent in the morning, I better make that trek myself.  After checking the kids I too fell to the sleep Gods. 

Sometime after that.............CRASH! 

"What was that?!?!?!" I yelled while pushing Dave off the bed.
"Huh? Ugh." he moaned  as he went to check it out. 

And that's when I heard it, and knew.  The cries of my baby as Dave carried him into me.

"Mommy!" he wailed.
"He fell off the bed." Dave informed me as if it was a daily occurrence.   
I tucked him in next to me fighting off the urge to just roll back over. 

"Oh my God, Dave!  He's bleeding!" I screamed when I finally opened my eyes and got a good look at him.
There was blood, not a lot of blood, but blood none the less, coming from his mouth. 

"Get me a towel!" I yelled. 

After wiping him off I saw the tiny slit on his lip.   It seems as if his tooth bit into his upper lip when he hit the floor. 

"Are you okay, Stink?" I asked after he stopped crying.
"Yea." he answered while rubbing his head.
"Does it still hurt?"
"No, Mommy."

And with that, he curled up in my arms and fell back to sleep. 

This morning, he had a fat lip.  Not too bad though.  More like a constant pout face. 
If only I put the side rails up.  Or carried him to his own bed.  This could have been avoided. 
If only, if only, if only.....was all that I could think of. 

BUT, then it hit me.  THIS is minor.  Very minor in comparison to what DAVE has done.  At least he wasn't an INFANT, a tiny little helpless baby.  And we will leave it at that.  Draw your own conclusions.  DAVE knows what I am talking about and that is good enough. No need to bring up awful memories.  I preserve them for times like these.  In my head.  To make myself feel better.  There's nothing like making someone else feel bad in MY time of need!

What a View!

So, last night we had the distinct pleasure of watching the Phillies clinch the NL Eastern Championship, LIVE!
Thanks to great friends, we had an awesome time at the game!  See for yourself.............

Go Phillies!!!

WWF Anyone?

Statement:
Fighting is something that happens between siblings. 

I know it is a natural and age old tradition and blah blah blah....but seriously!  Stop it already. 

Some days, Chachi and Stink wake up fighting.  Whether it be who gets to sit on the toilet while I shower or who will shut the door when I yell out from behind the curtain.  They fight.  Most days it's nothing serious.  A little pinch here, a slap beside the head there.  But then there are days like this that really get my blood boiling.  Maybe we just need to install a wrestling ring and let them get it out in a controlled environment.  Or what about those over-sized boxing gloves.  Anyway, read on............

When Dave works late it is my sole responsibility to collect the children.  First, it's Chachi's school.  I run in, sign her out, yell for her to collect her things and usually drag her back to the car and into her car seat.  There have even been times in our rush that I will forget something rather important only to be reminded by her a few miles down the road,
"Mommy!  You forgot to buckle me in!"
"Crap!"

Screech.......pull over, fling open the door, buckle and off we go again to retrieve number 2 (Stink) 
hahahahaah....I just read that and it sounds like I am collecting poop!)

With Stink (safely and buckled) in the car we can finally relax and make our trek back home in a more leisurely manner. 

"How was school, Chach?" I ask as if I was June Clever on crack.  I can even hear the theme song buzzing through my head.  Ho hum Ho hum.
"Fine." 
Ugh, one word answers.  Hate them.

"How about you Stink?"  More June Clever only this time I lower the enthusiasm a notch. 
"I play outside.  Play ball.  Eat lunch.  Take nap.  Play with kids.  See airplane.  See train.  What's that?  Mommy, go home.  Where we going?  What's that?  See motorcycle.  Oh, red car!  See truck.  Play outside." 
With that kid, you want to put some answers back!

On with our topic. 

With me as acting single parent this evening, the kids know that the dog will most definitely have to use the facilities as soon as we arrive home.  And with that, they feel they are at an advantage.

"Mommy?" Chach says.
"Yes?" 
"When we get home, can I let Chili out?"
"Sure."
"I WANT TO LET OUT!"  Stinky screams. 
"You can let him IN, Stink." I say trying to appease him.
"Yea, Stink, I am letting him OUT!"  Chach yells.
"I LET OUT AND IN!"  Stinky yells louder.
"Stinky, you will let him IN and Chachi will let him OUT!" I say in my special voice.  The Mommy voice that really does jack shit in this type of situation but I try it anyway hoping just this time it will work. 

Defused.  They are once again sitting in their seats quietly. 
We pull in the driveway.  I open the van doors, the kids hop out and run to the house as I gather the large amount of belongings.
Juggling over-heaping bags and purse in one arm I turn the key and open the door. 

"Chili, lets go!"  Chachi yells. 
"I DO IT!" Stink screams.
"CRAP!" I scream. 
"MOMMY SAID I CAN LET HIM OUT!" Chach yells.
"I DO IT!" Stinky screams again.
"JUST WAIT!" I yell louder as I drop the bags and purse and run for the back door.

"OOOWWWWWWWWWWW!" as ear piercing screams and sobs come from Chachi.
"OOOWWWWWWWWWWW!" more screaming and sobbing from Stinky. 
"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!"
"HE SCRATCHED ME!" Chach says holding her face as she peers from behind my leg pointing in the general direction of her brother.
"SHE HIT ME!" he yells back at her as he lunges forward, in what I swear is just a scare tactic to see her squirm. 
"STINKY! GO TO THE CORNER!" I say loudly as I guide him to THE spot. 
"WWAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"  he cries.

"Chachi, come here please." while inspecting the wounds.
"Am I bleeding?"
"Just a little.  Let's get cleaned up."
"I'M BLEEDING!  WWAAHHHHHH!"

After cleaning the small superficial scratch on her cheek I then begin to question her as to why Stinky was crying immediately after her at the door.

"I hit him on the head." she answers matter-of-factly.
"We never retaliate!" I said with that same Mommy voice, (maybe this time?), "You always tell Mommy.  We never hit back."
"Okay."

"Stinky?  Come here."
"Okay, Mommy!" as chipper as can be.
"You never hit your sister, or anyone else for that matter.  Is that clear?" I say.
"Yeah, Stinky.  Look at the hole you put in my face!" Chachi reiterates.
"Chachi, please mind your own business.  You are not innocent here." 

At that very moment we simultaneously turn towards the back door where the scratching is coming from.

"I DO IT!" Stinky screams.
"NO STINKY, IT'S MY TURN!" Chachi yells. 

The Promise......

....didn't quite work out.  Let's see......

Pack lunches the night before?  Uh, nope.  BUT, I did run to the grocery store to grab apples and snacks!  Does that count? 

Clothes out?  Nada.  BUT, I did do laundry.  So in a sense they were OUT, only piled up in a basket.

Shower at night?  Another no.  My shows were on and I knew I would never have time during commercial. 

Ready diaper/school bag?  Yup.  Oh sorry.  Thought you asked me if I wanted a beer.  So, no.

I do have something to say in my defense though....I DIDN'T pack the kids lunches in the car this morning.  So I should at least get a point for that. 

Oh, and on another note........please tell me how a child can get a rip in her pants between home and school?   And on the bottom/side of the leg none the less.  HOW?   

You know you're late when............

..........your 4 year old is screaming from the back seat, "Get out of our way slow-poke!"

From now on, I promise to do the following: 

1.) Pack all lunches the night before.  This way the kids will get to eat something that at least resembles food. 

2.)  Get everyone's clothes out the night before and have ready and waiting.  I have thought about dressing them the night before but....but what......I just may do that!

3.)  Take my shower at night AND dry and style hair.  We have been through this before, but ended up sleeping on wet hair only to wake to something out of a bad horror film.

4.)  Ready diaper bag and school bag in the evening.  That way I am more apt NOT to forget the simple things like DIAPERS and ICE CREAM money. I guess it's not cool to be the only kid at lunch without ice cream, or better yet, to be forced to use the potty because Bad Mommy forgot diapers again.

5.)  Make sure the kids clothes fit BEFORE putting it on them.  It seems as if when you're already late, and Stinky can attest to this, if the overalls are slightly shorter than normal (expecting a flood anyone?) you just may end up wearing them all day anyway because who has time to change.

Oh and one more observation.....it is NOT safe to pack lunches while you are driving.  Besides the fact that it can cause an accident and blah blah blah......mayo can get a bit messy and cheese sticks to the steering wheel a little too well. 

The Awards are flying in....shame it's not money!

Not long ago, I got a comment signed Amy Amy Bo Bamey.  Of course, I had to follow that link and THIS is what I found.  Now go check out her post called I Did, I Liked it!  It had me cracking up.....picturing Grandma all puckered up with her crinkly skin!

So thanks Amy Amy Bo Bamey at Life of a Nguyener (Win-ner)!  Now I really have to get my butt off the couch and add these to my sidebar!

Since I don't speak, or read, Spanish (and if that's not in Spanish just let me live in my own fantasy world) I'll just copy and paste from Amy's site on it's meaning: 

This blog invests and believes, in the proximity. (meaning, that blogging makes us 'close' -being close through proxy).

Now, this award comes with zero rules....so let's live dangerously.  Whoever comments tomorrow, and it doesn't matter on which post, gets it!  Now go, comment your heart out cause Mama needs some good old fashion blog lovin' over here!

Tornados and other Natural Disasters

Observation...............

Why is it that Stink cannot color without totally mutilating the crayons?

Stop, Drop and Roll

If you were coming here looking for fire safety training, turn around and run.....NOW!  Believe me, you don't want any of what's going on around here today.  You will rue the day you read what I am about to say. 

Now, for the ladies that are left.  Here is my morning....and it ain't pretty. 

It all started with me waking up.  Isn't that how mornings usually start, you ask.  Not really.  Today, I woke up on my own.  No kids screaming or jumping up and down on my chest.  Just me, my bed, the morning news and that God forsaken alarm.  It was about that time I should have known.  The house was quiet, too quiet even to be normal.  I slowly sat up, pushed back the covers and rolled onto the floor in one swift motion.  Making my way towards the bathroom, I had to pass Chachi's room......and there it was.....they were.....in all their glory. 
"Mommy!  Mommy!"
"Huh?' I say.  Remember when I told you I wasn't a morning person?  Well, I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON!  The "huh" is actually more than I would normally give.
"I soaked!" Stink tells me.
"Great!" I say as the bathroom door shut leaving him in the hallway.

"Mommy!"
"Huh?"
"I'm hungry." sings Chachi as if mornings are the most wonderful thing ever invented and so full of kid energy like she had the greatest sleep one could get. 

I pad my butt over to the pantry, pull out a couple rice crispy treats, toss them to the baby birds complete with mouths wide open standing before me and head to the shower.

Better pressure, better pressure I pray.  A trickle is just not doing it today and every time I move further towards the wall a spray of water squirts me square in the face as the shower head has sprung a small leak. 
It's about now that I hear it.  Quiet.  Again.  If a pin dropped I would know, that's how quiet it was.  And, since we are mostly Moms here,  we all know what quiet means when kids are involved. 
I hurried through my shower (later I will find that I didn't rinse my hair properly which left a residue keeping it from fluffing) and grabbed for my towel.  Only the towel wasn't in THE spot.  I threw open the shower curtain and AHA! 
"Here Mommy!" Stink says as he hands me my towel.
"What are you doing?" I ask. 
"That!" as he points to the toilet. 

And there it is.......tampons.....probably about a 20ct box worth.....floating all around the toilet bowl. 

"What the $@(@($()@$)!@&)!$&_!$%&)%^#Q($^#($*^@)$%)@&)Q&%_Q%%_*%!" as my head explodes when I reach in and fish out what I could in one fell swoop. 
FLUSH.
Oh well....a couple went down at a time.  Can't be quite as bad as flushing a toy airplane and that made it through the septic system just fine. 

I usher Stink out of the bathroom and walk (dripping wet since who has time to dry off, especially in the vicinity of a toilet and a toddler) into my bedroom. 

"I want cereal!"  Chachi demands. 
"Give me a minute, Chach, let me get dressed first."
"No, NOW!" 
"In a minute!"
"BUT I AM HUNGRY NOW!"
"Whatever." as I wrap my towel back around me and head to the kitchen. Anything to stop the whining in the morning....I swear, I could literally rip my ears off that's how bad it annoys me.  I pour two bowls, sit both kids down at the kitchen table and head back into the bedroom.  Rounding the corner, I notice the clock.  FRACK!  I have 15 minutes to get us out the door. 

"Mommy?" Chachi sings from her bedroom.
"What?" I yell as I push my feet into shoes that most likely don't match but were the first pair I could grab without ripping the closet floor apart.
"I spilled." 
"Spilled what, Chach?"
"My cereal.  It wasn't my fault though.  Stink pushed my arm and I accidentally spilled all over my bed."
"WHAT the &!$(@(*%&#)%*$#_%^&*$^_&_&@#&%_(&#%(_&#!"  as I rush in. 

Forget it.  Just forget about it right now.  There is no way you will have time to strip sheets and still make it to the sitter's, school and work at a reasonable time.  F-O-R-G-E-T   I-T!

"Here, put these on!" as I toss clothes to each child. 
"I can't get my under ware on.  Is this right?  The tag in the back right?  I CAN'T!"
"Oh, just come here.  I'll do it.  Stinky, take off your diaper and put it in the hamper.  NO, not the hamper, the trash.  Yes, there.  Put your feet in.  Other foot.  Here, put your shoes on, Chachi.  Stinky, arm please.  Other arm.  Grab your bags.  No, first let the dog in please, then grab your bags.  Oh crap.  No crap is not a bad word.  Don't say crap.  Crap Crap Crap."

"GET IN THE CAR!" I scream, "We're late, we're late!" 
"I want that seat!" they yell. 

Finally we make it to the sitter, drop Stink off and are at school.....with one minute to spare as I see the teacher walking down the hall from the window.  I make my own parking spot (hey, I drive a minivan, don't want to ruin the good name, right.) jump out, rip open the van door and unhook the car seat as Chachi jumps down and grabs her bag.
"Run Run Run!"

AAHHHHHHHH.....she's in and I can still make it to work on time.  Well, at a decent time but who is on time these days anyway. 

Screech....

Homeroom Mom!  Run for it!

"Hello!" she sings like she is some freaking canary on acid.
"Hi!" I say as I am bent slightly over with something I like to call, painful ovulation.  I swear, it hits when you least expect it and doubles you over in the most awkward position.  Besides the fact that I am instantly transformed into "mean girl" and could possibly rip the head off of anyone who gets in my way.  I should have known when I called that lady a "canary" that PMS or some other symptom associated with that was about to rear it's ugly head.

"I tried to call you last night but your voice mail was full!"  There she goes again.  If Dr. Seuss were here, he could quite possibly throw up and he is the worst of the worst. 
"Oh.  Well, I never delete old messages.  That way, no one new can leave one." I tell her. 
"Oh.  Okey dokey.  Well, I just wanted to let you know that the children need to bring apples on Friday."
"Great." as I begin to turn towards the car.
Ugh.  Pain again. Grab side.
"Yes.  They are doing this adorable project about Johnny Appleseed that is just....."
Ugh.  Pain.  Pain.  Pain. 
"Got it.  See ya!"  as I wave from the car door and hop in. 

As I pulled out onto the road I noticed "homeroom Mom's" mouth still moving.....only I swear she was singing some bad Back Street Boys song.  Or at least something nauseating like that I'm sure. 

What?  I had to get out of there.
I was mean?  Well, in my defense I was about to drop an egg from my uterus at any moment. 
Not a good reason?  Come here.  No closer.  Closer.  Closer.  Turn to the left. 
SLAP! 

Now, was I mean to leave or was it for her own good?  Cause she was about to get the same. 

Gotta go, the egg is coming.  I need to get the strainer so I can collect it for Dave's retirement fund.
(remember that?)

   

See any resemblance?

Long lost twins?