STINKY JOHN JONES

Turkey Day Talk

Let's just say, I am not known for my cooking abilities. 

Match that with having the Thanksgiving feast at my house, and we have a recipe for disaster. 

It all started a long long time ago in a far away galaxy.......wait......scratch that.....watching a commercial for Star Wars while typing......

Anyway, it all started with my Mother in Law asking me to have Thanksgiving since it was also Dave's birthday this year.  He was actually born that day, and his Parent's have the years mapped out on when it will fall that way again.....and hence....this year was the year. 

See, we normally spend this holiday with my family at my Parent's house.  Which means, they cook.  So of course I had no idea what I was getting myself into. 

Fast forward to last week.  My Mom decides to prepare the Turkey and stuffing at her house and bring the bird over in the morning to stick in the oven.  Easy, huh.  Then my MIL decided to make the green bean casserole and finish it up in my oven also.  Even easier. 

Pies, taken care of.
Birthday cake.  Taken care of. 
My job?  Too make the mashed potatoes and biscuits.

 

It's now Thanksgiving morning.  I wake up to the phone. 

"I'm coming with the Turkey!" my Mom calls from the other end. 
"Um.  Great.  I'm still in bed." I tell her. 

I slowly rise and get on with my day.  An easy day I thought.  Shouldn't all holiday hosting be like this.  I was practically humming with glee. 

Around noon, the kids were bathed and dressed.  The little one already down for his nap.  My shower completed.  Turkey cooking away.  The house smelled delicious. 

At 1pm, I began the potatoes.  I filled the pots with water and dumped the little buggers in the sink.  After washing, I thought to myself, "Humph.  I think it will be easier to peel them if I cook them with the skins on." 

Done.  As I plopped them into the water and walked away. 

1:15pm.  Wonder if I should check the Turkey.
1:16pm.  Took the top off the roasting pan and noticed it needed liquid.
1:19pm.  Dumped a can of chicken broth in, closed the lid and walked away once again. 

1:45pm.  Checked the potatoes.  Not much water left in the pots and the potatoes are still hard.
1:46pm.  Filled the pots again and walked away.
1:50pm.  Is the Turkey supposed to be making that popping noise, Dave asks.
1:51pm.  I don't know, I answer.

2:15pm.  Huh.  Some potatoes are done while others are still really hard.  Decided to take the done ones out and leave the bigger ones in.
2:20pm.  All the tips of my fingers are burning from trying to peel the cooked potatoes. 
2:25pm.  Take the bigger ones out.
2:30pm.  Start mashing.  Some are a little hard.  Add extra milk and cheese.  Oops.  Peel falls in.  Oh well, a little protein won't kill anyone.  Oops, more peel.  Oh, and another.  Add sour cream.  Crap.  Too much.  Runny potatoes.  Throw in oven.  Hope they will thicken.
2:45pm.  Mom arrives.

"I smelled something burning when I walked onto the porch." she announced. 
"Huh.  That's strange." I said.

2:46pm.  She takes the Turkey out. 

"What the hell!" she screams.
"What?" I ask.
"Didn't you check this for liquid?" she asked.
"Yea.  I dumped some in a couple hours ago." I said.
"Well.  It's done for sure." she said as she set the pan on the counter.

And then the process began.  My Mom on one side and my Dad on the other.  Each with a large utensil.  I see my Dad's arm shaking as he grips the counter with one hand and begins to pry the Turkey from the pan with a wooden spatula. He pries.  And pries.  And pries.  I think at one point he thought a crow-bar would work but then thought against it. 

"POP!" like a suction cup from a mirror.

"How am I going to make gravy?" my Mom questioned my Dad with a look of horror. 

"Thank God we have another at home." my Dad answered as he walked away. 

As we gathered around the table and I took my first bite, I realized just how bad it was.  One bite, and I instantly had no spit left in my mouth.  It was like eating 5 saltines at once.  Have you ever tried it?  Impossible.  And the gravy.  Have you ever had flour and water over a saltine?  Not good. 

At least we had the potatoes. 

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

At least we had dessert.  Something I had nothing to do with.  Hence the reason why I had a good 15 chocolate chip cookies with dinner.  Not to mention the half a dozen or so more with dessert.  And maybe 3-4 more for good measure before bed.  

Next year?  If Thanksgiving is at my house.....I am totally ordering in. 

Happy Turkey Day!

Here I am, busily getting ready for dinner and I realized.....I have no idea how to cook!

Anyway, it's 1:30pm and dinner is at 3pm.  How long do potatoes take to cook?  Anyone?  I just put them on thinking it may take an hour.  Then a half hour to mash them? 

What's funny is the potatoes were my only responsibility!  Everyone knew NOT to give me the Turkey, and I am sure they all thought the potatoes would be easy enough.  But easy enough for who? 

My thoughts?   If the potatoes don't turn out at least we have the other food.  No one will starve.  Or I could just go to the old standby.......instant!!! 

So, if anyone is out there.....reading blogs at 1:30 on turkey day......tell me how long potatoes take to cook! 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING FROM MY FAMILY TO YOURS!

 
How did the cat get to be the pilgrim? 

Potty Talk

Yup.  It's about that time again.  Potty training.  And I have to say......I HATE IT!

I hate every aspect of it with a passion.  I don't understand why children can not come already trained....or for that matter......with less whining too. 

Stink has progressed into the potty training stage with ease.  He took to the potty like a genius.  His control is amazing and he rarely has an accident.  Take for instance Sunday.  We had some shopping to do and I wasn't sure how readily available restrooms would be, so I put him in a pull-up.  Of course I was expecting him to use it as a diaper.  So we were out for a few hours and just as we walked in the door he began to ask to use the potty.  Again, I wasn't really moving too fast since he was wearing a pull-up.  After shedding our coats and bags I brought him into the bathroom.  Upon removing his clothes I noticed his pull-up was bone dry!   I was astonished. 

Now, with the problem. 

Poop. 

The kid refuses to poop in the potty. 

He can hold his pee like a champ, but poop?  Fo-git-it. 

And I have no idea why. 

We did have a break-through on Friday evening.  As I stood in the kitchen I caught him pushing.  You know. That 'I am about to let a load go' face.  We quickly ran to the potty, I ripped his clothes off and we sat.  And sat.  And sat.  AND SAT. 
"We are not getting off this potty until you push the poop out!" I informed him.
"NO!" he yelled back.
"Yes!" I said sternly. 

And then...........he did it.  He let go. 

But, as we all know.....one step forward, three back. 

Saturday, the child pooped in his pants at least three times!  And after lots of frustration, I put a diaper on him and he pooped a good two more! 

Now, we are back to square one.

I have tried chocolate.  I have tried lollipops.  Toys.  Balls.  Trains.  New race cars.  Even a puppy.  And I still got nothing.  I have resorted to showing him all the people who poop in the potty, like the trash men and even Spiderman.  Doesn't work. 

What do I do?!?!?!?!?!?!  He has resorted to holding it.  And then surprising me in the morning with a big fat turd in his night-time diaper. 

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  Or if anyone would like to take him for a week and return him fully trained, I would be forever your slave!  Take them both and....................oh, well......there isn't payment enough.

 

Mattel, Hear Me Out

With Christmas right around the corner, I have Amazon on speed dial....well, at least set as a favorite on my Mozilla toolbar. 

Anyway, and let me know if you are totally feeling the same way....I am just about over the 'best toys of the year' list.  Not one item would I buy.....which leaves me at zero.  Really, zero.  That is the amount of holiday shopping I have completed. 

So I decided to come up with my own toy list.  One that will encompass all our needs.

First and foremost.....The Indestructible Crayon. 

    I imagine this to be like the Everlasting Gobstopper.....only in waxy crayon form.  Where the paper can never be ripped off.  The actual crayon can't be broken.  And the tip is always pointy. 

    Pros:  I never have to hear, "Stink broke another crayon, Mommy!"  or how about, "My crayon won't color in the lines anymore!" 

    Cons:  No longer can I use the excuse, "No coloring today.  All the crayons are broken." 

Second........the Poop Repellent Underware. 

    This little ditty would go something like this.   At the first sign of a 'poop-tastrophe' it will sound off an alarm.  Kinda like one of those ear-piercing sirens that ring when someone is breaking into a bank.  If the alarm is not deactivated in 30 seconds, the underware will emit a small jolt of electricity to the offending hiney. 

    Pros:  No longer will Mommy have to dip underware into the flushing toilet while praying that the water pressure will do its job. 

    Cons:  Child abuse. 

Third...........Body Armour. 

    Do you have an accident prone child?  Every time you turn your back you see them tumble down the stairs, fall of a chair, hit themselves in the head with a bat or even miss with the fork and poke themselves in the eye?  Well look no further.......Body Armour.  Guaranteed to stop those unexpected hospital visits. 

    Pros:  Well.....it speaks for itself.

    Cons:  Your 25 pound toddler now outweighs you by a good 50 pounds or so.  And they no longer can stand.

And last but not least.........the Mommy Double. 

    This one is a guaranteed winner in just about every parent's book.  Mommy goes off to one of those Hollywood movie studios where they have experts in this field.  They digitally create a double, in looks and smell.  Once you receive 'Mommy 2' put her to work. 
    "Mommy?  I need you to lay down with me!"
    "But sweety, I have about 10 loads of laundry to do, lunches to pack, dog to feed, disaster of a house to clean and Mommy just doesn't have time to lay with you for hours on end until you finally decide your eyes are too heavy to keep open." 

    Case in point two.............

    "Mommy?  I want you to play a game with me!"
    "See above." 

    Pros:  Well.  Do I need to say more.

    Cons:  None? 

Oh, and one more thing regarding these new fangled toys.......have you see this one yet? 

Now.....I am going to tell you exactly what I told my Mom...................

"What ever happened to getting plain old crayons and paper and turning the freakin' light on!  If you need to add more 'light' like they show, I have a trusty flashlight in the closet that would do the trick fine and dandy.  We can even attach a crayon to it with some duct tape!" 

Too Cute for Words!

And before you ask....he is my In-laws new puppy, not ours.  It's kind of like cuddling a friend's newborn baby.....you are totally engrossed but know you can hand it back at any time!

Is it just me or............

........is daylight savings time a real kick in the ass? 

As if it wasn't bad enough with the time crunch, now that its dark when I leave work, I just want to come home and crawl into bed. 

Now, to all you working Mom's......how the hell do you find time to get everything done?  I'm telling you, from the time I step into the door until the wee hours of the morning I am working my butt off around here just to stay afloat.  And don't get me started on what really needs to be done, like windows and baseboards and all that jazz.  I barely scratch the surface.  My poor washer runs non-stop, the dryer can't keep up and I have an entire dining room table of clean laundry in baskets that will never get put away. 

My bathroom is in desperate need of a makeover, just about every wall in our house could use some paint and the kitchen.....well....let's not go there.  It's a disaster.  Might as well just implode it. 

But who has time to get to these things.  I feel like we are working like mad but never able to enjoy it. 

Which brings me back to daylight savings time.  Why?  Why do we do it?  Why can't we just keep the extra hour of sunlight? 

Oh, and winter.  Fo-get-about-it.  It is my arch-nemesis.  It keeps me trapped inside these four walls just looking at all that needs to be done.  At least during the warmer months I am too busy to care.

So, in light of daylight savings time and old man winter blows I am going to share with you my kitchen..........in all it's glory.............not..............

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!  IT IS ONLY AS WIDE AS MY ARM SPAN AND I AM NOT BIG!
How am I supposed to cook in that thing?  See the crock pot behind me.....well that's there for a reason.  See above. 

But here is the best part....check out this floor.......

You know where I saw this floor last?   HERE!

"All I want for Christmas is a freakin' decent kitchen, a freakin' decent kitchen, a freakin' decent kitchen. All I want for Christmas is a freakin' decent kitchen. Is that too much to ask!" Sing it with me folks!

One word of advise.....never buy a house because it has a great back yard. Especially when you live in a climate that is cold 6 months out of the year!

Holy Crap....New Dances on Elf Yourself!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Guess Who's Home!

That's right.....3 weeks and 1 day later.....the beeyatch is back!  Momma's pockets may be a little lighter, but I no longer need to oil up my children in order to squeeze them into the car! 

Take a gander at what a mortgage payment in repairs looks like......

And in order to protect my investment.....I felt I should tuck her in..............

You know....don't want that new transmission to catch a chill. 

Oh, and check this out...........

Chachi had to 'dress' her turkey for school.....which translates to Mommy gets to stay up way late and do homework.  
So I thought I would throw her teacher a curve ball and 'dress' it my way.  Watcha think?  I'm wondering if a bunch of 4 year olds are going to be able to pick up on my irony but who cares.  It gave me a good laugh and that's all that matters!

To Toy or Not to Toy....That is the Question

With November just about half over, it brings with it the frantic need to get ready for Christmas. 
And Christmas with kids brings.........toys...........and more toys. 

Recently I had this discussion with the girls from our playgroup.  How much do you normally spend on each child?  Do you buy toys or clothes or educational materials?  Does everything come from Santa or does Mommy and Daddy also chip in? 

All are great questions and I would love some more input as we close in on the final sales! 

As for us, we typically get each child a large gift.  Something they have been wanting or something that we thought they would really enjoy.  That gift is from Santa.  There are a couple smaller gifts from Santa also.  Then Mommy and Daddy get a special gift for each and finally we round off with a few stocking stuffers. 

With that said, this year we had a major clean-out of our playroom.  And with that clean-out, lots of Santa's toys were donated.  So, this holiday is most likely going to be very different for us.  No more cheap plastic toys that are played with for a few days then thrown on a shelf to collect dust never to be thought of again.  I am thinking of one large gift that the entire family can share and then a few educational gifts with maybe something fun thrown in.  I am also thinking about using the holidays to teach the gift of giving and how special it can be to see other's enjoyment.  How spending time with friends and family can be gift enough. 

So, what do you think?  Are we setting ourselves up for failure?  Will our children come to resent the fact that most of their friends are receiving lavish gifts while they are stuck with textbooks?  And what are you planning on giving this holiday season?  Is the economy putting a crimp on your spending and is your family finding ways to overcome that while still having an enjoyable holiday? 

I can remember Christmas as a child in my parent's house.  We would wake to a pile.  Each.  Although most of that pile was clothes or other necessities, we still made out like bandits and were given most of what we asked for, within reason.  Hell, one year I got a horse!  But, my Mom was a Christmas fanatic and still is.  It's nothing to see a toddler sized ride-on train with its own track under the tree waiting for one of the grandkids.  I wouldn't be surprised if one of the kids got a my-size golf cart to ride around like Poppy's.  That's just the way she rolls, although cut backs have been happening slowly but surely.  

One tradition that was adopted when the grandkids were born was a 'special gift from Poppy'.  My Dad is a cabinet maker by trade, and very talented.  He has a workshop in their yard that becomes a sort of 'North Pole' from late October through December.  This area is off limits to the kids as he is busily working on their handpicked gifts.  This tradition has become something anticipated by everyone on Christmas day.  What is Poppy going to make this year to top last year's one of a kind.  In it's own right, it is completely awesome but also something that teaches us to be humble.  Store bought does not mean better and something handmade from the heart is worth more than it's weight in gold. 

Back to the question at hand.  To toy or not to toy?  What do you think?  Let's get the discussion going!

Stink's toy truck from last year complete with real wooden wheels and tiny steering wheel!

Chachi's horse barn with working swing stall doors and hay loft.

My niece's dress-up storage chest.

Water is Water, Right?

NOT!  I was just sitting down to write this post when I heard a scream coming from the bathroom.....

"Mom!  Stinky is drinking from the toilet!" 

Wonderful.  Maybe that is why the child is always sick.  I'm telling you, and let me know if anyone is with me, kids have many dog-like tendencies.  They are either panting in your face, eating from the floor, scratching at the door to go out or now drinking from the toilet. 

So, this post was going to be another rant on why there isn't enough hours in the day.  How daylight savings time is killing me.  And how when I get home from work it feels like it is already 10pm and I should be going right to bed.  For some reason, during the warmer months, I feel like I have all the time in the world to enjoy life, but in the winter I just want to climb under the covers and sleep till spring. 

But I am sure everyone is feeling this way, so I will just leave you with some funny kid moments. 

Stink has been loving himself some Spiderman.  He watches all three movies religiously.  Due to this, what is about to come next wasn't much of a surprise. 

I was folding laundry in the dining room, when Stink came running in.  He had his fists pumping in the air and was yelling, "Fight!  Fight!  Fight!"   Then he turns to me and says, "Way to go , Spidey!" and runs off. 

It happened in such a split second that I couldn't help but laugh.