STINKY JOHN JONES

        

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night....................

From our little hooligans to yours!

The Day Santa was Outed

I Believe!  I Believe! 

Oh, sorry.  Just trying to convince myself that I didn't almost screw Christmas for my 4 year old. I figure if I chant that long and loud enough it will all have been just a bad dream. 

Now, for the story........

It was the Sunday before Christmas, and the wind was howling outside the house as Ma in her kerchief wrapped presents by candle light......err......not really, but it made for a good beginning.  Anyway, I was in the basement of my parent's house where the gifts are hidden.  I heard footsteps on the stairs and assumed it was one of the adults as I was sure the kids were safely tucked away. 

"Mommy!  Where did that HORSE come from!" Chachi screamed as she reached the bottom landing. 

Shock.  That's all I can say.  Complete and utter shock. 

I quickly snapped her up and ran up the stairs. 

"What horse?  I didn't see a horse down there."  I said when I could finally catch my breathe.  Good save I thought.

"I saw a horse!"

I looked to my Mom.  Help please I pleaded with my eyes. 

"There isn't a horse down there, Chachi.  Maybe a broken reindeer but no horse." my Mom told her.

"Gigi.  I SAW a HORSE!"

And THAT is when the planned was devised.  Gigi took Chachi away and I returned to the offending basement to figure out how I was going to hide a horse that is probably the size of a small pony.  I threw it in a closet, smashing its head so the door would shut.  I then proceeding to pull out the large stuffed reindeer and placed it in the 'horse spot'. 

"Let's go see if there is a horse down there!" my Mom warned as they began down the stairs.

"Oh.  Oh.  It IS a reindeer!" she said as she patted its neck, "I REALLY thought that was a horse."
"Gigi.  I REALLY thought that reindeer was a horse!" she said once again. 

After finishing up we headed home upon which I informed Dave of the 'situation'.

"Jesus, Val!  Now the kid thinks she is going crazy!"

Problem averted. 

Until, yesterday.

Where Chachi informed the nurse at the doctor's office that she was receiving a REINDEER for Christmas.  She SAW IT IN GIGI'S BASEMENT!  

Crap. 

Potty Talk and Cranky Old Men

Saturday was the train show.  Not the really big one, but just the big one.  Anyway, I was hoping beyond hope that Dave would take the kiddies and leave me home alone in bliss, since I really could care less to see a bunch of trains in boxes.  But that didn't happen.  So off we go with two kids (who, by the way, were beginning to come down with something nasty and were really cranky) as one big happy family to the convention center. 

At first, all was blissful.  Everyone was enjoying themselves.  After about an hour, Stink fell asleep in the stroller.  Ah, I thought as I settled in to watching the teeny tiny trains wrap around a replica of Mount Everest. 

"I'm tired.  I don't want to walk anymore." I heard from behind me.
"I'm sorry, Chach, but Stink is sleeping in the stroller right now." I told her in my best 'I am so a happy Mommy' voice. 
"But I want to lay down." she whined.
"How about some candy?  Can you walk for candy?" I asked her.
"Yes!" she sang.

Maybe 15 minutes and a 1/4 pound of Swedish Fish later.....

"I am still tired!" she whined again only this time louder since I guess the sugar rush was kicking in.

As I turned around to possibly bribe her with something else I noticed she was about half way in the stroller. 

"Wah!  Wah!" Stink screams.
"Scooch over!" she cried back. 
"Wah!  Wah!" he continued to scream. 

And that, my friends, is when all hell broke loose.  Two kids crying.  Both trying to cram their little bodies into a single stroller vying for space.  And a husband, who insisted we all go to some stupid (yes, I am calling it stupid now) train show as a family, is missing in action. 

Finally, I catch him out the corner of my eye and give him the look that says, "You!  Let's go!  Now!" 

BUT, it doesn't end there because 'someone' didn't get what he needed at the show and we now have to stop at a store close to home, which we could have just done from the start and saved a good three hours and few hundred nerve cells. 

Once again, unload two cranky kids from the car and enter the store.  As we walk in, I notice the two older gentleman behind the counter beaming me with dirty looks.  Great, I think to myself.  This should be really fun.  

"Yes, I need track and switches." Dave said to them.
"Right this way sir." the older of the two replied as he led him towards the back of the store. 

We followed.  Well, actually I followed while struggling with a toddler who thinks the $1500. train engine looks like a pretty cool toy to toss and a still very whinny girl. 

"Daddy?" Chachi interrupts as the store employee is talking, "I have to go potty."
"Can you hold it honey?" I say hoping that its just a ploy to see what the bathroom looks like, as we encounter that often.
"No.  I feel like I am going to poop my pants." she informs us.

The elderly man chuckles.

"Mr.?  Can my kid use your restroom?" Dave asks him.
"Sorry.  Out of order." he says.

"Mommy!  I really need to POOP!" Chachi says again and she begins to dance around as customers walk by us trying to cover their giggles.

I notice Dave's face turning red.  The vein pops out of his neck.  I can see him clenching and unclenching his fists.

"Your kidding me, right?" Dave retorts, "You mean to tell me you have 10 employees standing around here and no bathroom." 
"Yup.  Out of order."  the man returns. 
"This is ridiculous.  You think I am going to give you my business after you refuse to let my kid use the restroom.  What, is their 14 karat gold toilet paper in there or something."

I grab Chachi's hand and run down three stores to the sandwich shop.  They quickly usher us towards the bathroom as I am sure they could see the look of an explosion about to happen. 

She poops.  All is well on that end. 

Needless to say, we did not get the track for the trains.  Or the switches.  The end.   

Military School........

......we need you. 

Here are just a few examples of the wild fire spread by the small people here.....

"Mommy?  This fell off the 'puter." Chachi said to me as she put a small piece of plastic in my hand.
"What's this?" I asked as I inspected it a little closer.
"What!  The 'enter' key doesn't just FALL off the computer!" I screamed. 

"Who broke the lamb in the nativity set?  And why is the Wise Man missing his myrrh?"
"HE did it!" Chachi pointed.
"Nut-ah.  SHE did!" Stink pointed back. 

"Where did all the ornaments from the Christmas tree go?" I asked today.
"I dunno." they answered in unison. 
Later on, as I looked under my bed for Stink's ball, I found my answer.
Who does that? 

And since it is the holiday season, I have tried to use Santa to my advantage......

"Hey kiddos.  You know what?" I began.
"What Mommy?" they asked.
"Santa has his invisible elves all over making a list of who's naughty or nice." 
Kids listening intently.
"Last I heard, you two were on the naughty side."
"Nut-ah Mommy!" Stink said.
"Yea right!"  Chachi sang.
"Oh, there's one right now!" I yelled and pointed to the hallway.  Only Mommys and Daddys can see them!"  I said.
"Where?  Where?" they screamed out as their little heads turned to and fro.
"Right there!  Can you see it!  You better be on your best behavior!"  I reminded them. 

It was shortly after that the nativity was ransacked. 
Nothing scares these devil-spawns.  I blame their Father, just so you know.

Last one for good measure.....

This Saturday the kid's had a Holiday party to attend complete with some popular cartoon characters.

"Look Mommy!  It's Elmo!"  they pointed out, "And Dora!" 
"Let's go say hi!" I told them.
For a short time, the kids had a blast shaking hands and dancing with the characters.

"Okay kids!  Let someone else have a chance now."  I said, "Say bye to Dora." 
"Bye Dora!"  Chachi waved.

Dora bent down to give them a hug, and just as I was about to snap a picture, IT happened.  The wind- up of the leg.  The recoil of the giant stuffed Latina.  The swing.  The wince.  The smirk on the face of the little imp.

"Stink!  Say your sorry for kicking Dora!" I screamed as I scanned the area to see if any of the other parents caught the horrifying act. 

See what I mean?  Do they have boot camp for toddlers? 

Midnight Run

Remember Chachi's letter to Santa?  You know, the one with the alligator and the real horse? 
Try pleasing that kid this year. 

So, during my quest to find the perfect gift, I came across this........

.....only to be shocked by the price tag!  $299.99 for THIS!  As far as I am concerned, it better come with a Nanny and personal masseuse for Mommy. 

Oh, looky here.....Amazon has it for $199.99.  Doable I guess, but still.  For $200 bucks, I would think it should at least do more that whinny and move its head. 

But, in the spirit of Christmas, I dutifully added it to my cart and moved on. 

Fast forward to Saturday night.  I just happened to be on the Toys R *Us website and what do I see out the corner of my eye.......THAT......ON SALE......FOR $99.00! 

Holy crap I screamed.  Sold out online it said.  Also available in stores. 

It was 9:30pm and I had my cordless and cell, one in each hand.  I began to call. 

"Hi!  Do you have this in stock!"  I yelled into the phone.
"Nope!"

"Hi!  Do you have this in stock!"  I yelled to the next store employee.
"Nope!"

Hi!  Do you have this in stock!" again.
"Nope!  BUT, let me look and see who does." the Angel on the other end said.
"Okay.  Looks like blah blah and blah are showing they have one but it may not be up to date" she told me. 
"Great thanks for narrowing it down for me!" I said. 

"Hi blah!  Do you have this in stock!"
"Nope!"

"Hi blah two.  Do you have this in stock!"
"Nope!" 

Hi last chance!  Do you have this in stock!"
"Let me look." Angel number two said.
"Hello, miss?  I have one left.  Would you like me to hold it for you?"
"OH MY GOD!  YES!  I WILL BE RIGHT THERE!" I screamed. 

On cell in other hand:

"Mom!  They have one!  Wanna make a midnight run about 25 miles away to pick up a fake pony!" I asked her. 
"Sure!" 

And that's how it happened.  That's how a certain little girl is about to become the proud owner of her very own pony.  Only this one won't cost me a fortune to feed and won't shit on the floor. 

Oh, and remember.....it's from that big fat guy in the red suit so lets keep this on the low down. 
Down low.  Up high.  Whatever. 

Mute button, where are you?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if kids came with a remote.  Off/on, mute/sound, volume control, and maybe channel up and down. 

My other question to ponder here for a minute:  We work so hard as parents teaching our children the art of language.  We worry when they haven't begun to talk by a year old.  Why our two year old is not using compound phrases.  Where did that lisp come from and will it stick around.
So, why, after all that worry do we hope they will just be quiet for once?

Here are just a couple instances of "sewage of the child mouth".....

Let me set the scene.  It's Sunday, early in the morning.  We're talking 7am or so.  Could have been slightly earlier, but again, it's Sunday.  Usually thats the day Mommy sleeps in, at least for an extra hour or so. 

I heard the kids running around in the hallway.  They were going from bedroom to bedroom, tearing out toys and books and games.  I also heard things banging off walls, but again, I was ignoring the chaos.  Don't stir I told myself.  THEY will KNOW you are awake.  Just ignore it. 

Finally, Dave comes around the corner and spews some discipline towards the young-uns. 

"Stop it right now!" he demands, "And clean up this mess!" 

"You're mean!" the little imps begin to chant.  "You're mean!  You're mean! You're mean!" over and over again.

"You want me to show you what mean is!" Dave yelled back. 

As the tiny people scattered, I rolled over and with the powers from above, fell back asleep. 

Sometime after 9am, since that is about the time I had risen from bed,  (I know!  That's sleeping in for me!) I sauntered out to the kitchen. 

"Do you want to know what YOUR daughter just said?" Dave asked.
"Um, not really." I answered.  I mean come on, when a sentence starts like THAT of course I don't want to know.
"Well, listen up anyway." he demands. 

APPARENTLY, little miss and the prince where seated at the breakfast bar while Daddy cooked breakfast.  He had his back to them as he worked at the stove when he overheard this golden conversation taking place........

"Hey Stink?  You want me to show you what mean looks like!"  Chachi said while laughing hysterically.
"Yea!" Stink yelled and laughed himself right off the chair. 

"Humph." I said to Dave after he was finished relaying the story,  "Told you they're not scared.  They have the power.  Just don't ever show them that you know.  They prey on that."  

Oh, and here is a doozy that happened on my watch.......

Monday morning I was in the shower.  It was about 7am and I usually wander into the bathroom with my eyes still closed and turn on the water.  It's early.  Too early.  At that moment in time I have no idea where the kids are or what they are doing.  They could be lighting matches and I would be completely oblivious. (No, not really.  But still, I'm tired.)
As I am finishing up, Chachi wanders into the bathroom to make an announcement.

"Moooommmmmmyyyyyyyy!  Stink got the candy out!" 

"Well, when I get out Stink is going to be in big trouble." I told her knowing full well his mouth was surely overflowing with M&M's as we speak and no amount of trouble will stop him from having that pleasure again. 

Then she flings the shower curtain open with another announcement.

"What?" I say as I fumble around to pull it closed since I am blind with shampoo suds and my hands are slippery. 

"I have a piece in my mouth too." she informs me, "But Stink put it in there and told me to eat it!" 

Um.  Yeah.  Not so much.  Remind me NOT to bring her along to the next poker game.  The kid is totally bad and bluffing. 

Santa Letters 2008

Written as dictated to Mommy,  by the kids........

 

Wonder what tricks Santa has up his sleeve for this year.....cause that second list is a real doozy. Good luck to the Big Guy!

Laundry 101- Step by Step

I have found a loop-hole, you all, and thought I would share it!  This is definitely a tutorial you don't want to miss! 

       

How To Get ALL Of Your Laundry Done Without Touching A Single Load

Step 1

   

Break your washer. 

          Throw a load of laundry in, let the cycle finish, then look in and see your clothes still all wet and sudsy. 

Step 2

   

Husband working long hours.  No time to get a new washer.  Laundry piling up.

Step 3

Finally, 6 days later, can't wait anymore.  Buy a new washer yourself.

Step 4

Have washer delivered, installed.  Told it's not the washer.  Maybe drain problem?  Now have a  new washer in the house and a perfectly fine one on the porch. 

Step 5

Husband finally arrives home.  Checks drains.  No clogs.  Tells you to use it.  Goes to bed. 

Step 6

Wake up on a crisp Saturday.  Throw a load of laundry in new washer, let cycle finish.  Still,wet and sudsy.  Husband working.

Step 7

   

Call everyone who will listen.  Cry.  Complain.  Try to take drain apart yourself. Cause more  problems.  Call and cry some more until both sets of Parents show up.  Dad tries to fix it.  He    says call a plumber.  Husband says wait until I get home.  Mom and Mom-in-Law divide and conquer.  Each takes half the piling laundry home. 

Step 8

   

Wait for the call and collect.  Washed, dried and folded. 

Now.  I don't necessarily recommend this.  But it was great while it lasted.  Next I am going to break the stove.  Be back soon!

Oh, and also, THANKS MOMS!  YOU GUYS RAWK!!

Why my head is throbbing...........

...........and an entire bottle of Excedrin won't touch it. 

First up.....this....... 

Ring Ring

"Hello."
"Hey, it's me.  Remember yesterday when you set the washer to another spin?  Why did you do that?" I asked the Hubster.
"The clothes were still wet.  Why?"
"Well.  I just opened the lid and it was still all sudsy and full of water even though the cycle is done."
I told him.
"Huh.  I'll look at it when I get home."

Next day.  Yea.  That's how fast things happen around here. *head slap*
The washer is in pieces in my kitchen.

"Hey.  Come see.  I'm a genius at taking this thing apart." he yelled.
"Oh great.  But, can you put it back together?"
"Um.  Well, we'll see." 

An hour later. 

"Hon.  Looks like we need a new washer." he called in to me. 

And now it sits.  On my porch.  Like the hot water heater over the summer.  I'm telling you.  Every day we are closer and closer to a Sanford and Son reunion at my place. 

So tomorrow night, off we go to buy a new washer.   Merry Christmas to me........NOT. 

Next up,  we have this...................

"Mommy!  I pooped!" Stink yells from the living room. 
"What?  You don't have any under ware on." I yell back.

That's right my friends.  My child let one go on the floor......again. 
And what's worse.  After his bath I bent down to pick up a fuzzy on the floor only to find out it was a piece of turd.  Yup.  I picked up poop with my bare hands.  Again. 

And I thought I would be able to catch him quicker if he wasn't wearing any pants.  *head slap* 

And finally, this...................

Chachi has been practicing her Christmas songs.  Sounds innocent enough right.  Well, she started off with her own rendition that goes something like this,

"I love Christmas.  I love Christmas.  Santa knows if you are bad or good.  Some kids get presents.  Some kids get presents.  I love Christmas.  I love Christmas." 

After a good solid day or so of that I suggested another song. 

"Hey Chachi.  How about Silent Night?"  I asked her.
"Oh.  Okay Mommy." she exclaimed. 

"Silent Night. Holy Night.  Silent Night.  Holy Night.  Silent Night.  Holy Night.  Silent Night.  Holy Night.  Silent Night.  Holy Night.  Silent Night.  Holy Night."  over and over again.

By the time we got to school this morning my ear drums were bleeding.  Seriously.  

And THAT is why Excedrin won't work.  Anyone have anything stronger?  Like a Mommy pill.  Something that would make horrendous singing sound like Celine Dion and poop smell like roses.  And maybe do a load or two of laundry at the same time?  Is that asking for too much?