The Great Mom Debate

I have a ton of blogs in my reader.  A ton. 
I am a quick-fire subscriber.  There, I admitted it.

However, it comes with its own drawbacks.  One, being, that there is no possible way to read each one on a daily basis.
And at times, my favorites get lost in the pack, only to be rediscovered. 

Which is what totally happened today. 

Jaci over at Ravings of a Mad Housewife (who is awesome!), wrote a post that really struck a cord.  And got me thinking. 

Spanking. 
Effective discipline?  

If you asked me this a month ago or even a week ago, I would have given a definite thumbs up.  I believe(d) spanking to be very effective in certain situations.  Child runs into street, barely being missed by a passing car?  During a shopping excursion, you turn your back for a split second and child is gone?  In both these instances, spanking can be effective to quickly make you point on just how dangerous of a situation that can be. 

But, and this is a fairly large but, I may have changed my mind. 

You see, Chachi never really needed to be spanked.  Of course, the above instances have happened and she did get a quick swat, but she was always my 'you hurt Mommy's feelings' regarding discipline child.  Reasoning with her has, most times, worked much more effectively. 
Even today. 

Now, Stink on the other hand, is a different story. 
As my Dad so lovingly says, "He is thick as a brick".
Lessons don't sink in.  It is very hard to penetrate that brain of his.  I'm not saying, by any means, that he isn't intelligent.  Just the contrary.  He is smart as a whip. 
It's the things he could care less about that don't stay put in that tiny little head of his. 
I guess you can call him....selective. 
Take for instance, the refridgerator. 
I can't count how many times he has been told to stay out.  We even have a lock on it.  Which lasted a good few days, until he found how to operate it.
One time, Dave got up at 4am to find Stink in the fridge sticking his finger in all the puddings. 
4am! 

So, after many many warnings and time outs, we resorted to spanking. 
Which worked. 
Temporarily. 
He began to listen.  Was heeding our warnings.  I didn't need to say the same thing over and over and over again. 

Now, remember when I say I may have changed my mind?
This is why.

We have had some pretty nice weather here these last few days.  And all the neighborhood kids have been outside playing. 
The other day, a couple older boys from up the street, maybe age 8 or 9, where a couple houses up fooling around.
Stink rides his scooter towards them.  Hops off.  And begins to chase them down yelling 'fight! fight! fight!'
To the point where they were running into the street to get away from him.  He's two remember. 

Of course, I called him back and disciplined him verbally.

After things settled down, I asked him why he did that. 
Stink answered, "Because Mommy, they were bad and I needed to spank their butt." 

I almost fainted. 

Our 'disciplining method' just backfired. 

How am I to explain to an almost 3 year old the difference between spanking and hitting others? How can I tell him how wrong it is to hit when I hit him?

Which is what I am left with.  How? 

What is your take on this debate? 
And have you found a good alternative method?

For more opinions visit Jaci's comment section!  Each offer great insight!

Comments

[debbie]

We never spanked any of our four. Oh we felt like it. But we didn't do it. For the very reason you listed. If I don't want them to hit, why would it be OK for me to. Firm discipline and never threatening anything you aren't willing to do have always worked for us.

[Karl]

You're over-thinking this, I suspect. The kid is three, he's not going to indulge in philosophizing. Chris has the answer: you just say that spanking is for mommies and daddies only.

The whole subject makes me roll my eyes a bit. Out of our four, two never needed it; one needed the occasional swat just to get her attention, mostly when she was younger; and the last, we both wish that he had been spanked a lot more, and harder, he told me recently it might have saved him some of the grief he put himself through. (Or not, who knows. He's 29 now by the way.) So yeah, I'm also a firm believer in spanking those who need it, and not spanking those who don't.

[Lisa (Jonny's Mommy)]

I think a quick smack is different than regular spankings and I think that quick smack is needed if a kid runs out in the street or does something else that could seriously hurt them. I use time-out as a more effective method and so far it is working, but I know it doesn't work for other children. I have no idea how to handle that situation with Stink. The only thing I can think to tell him is that in that case those boys mommy's will have to punish them, not Stink. Only mommy's and daddy's can....OK. that's not going to work either because then you get into abuse and if that is OK and ... ugh! That's a hard one for sure. Let us know how it turns out. It's got me thinking that is for sure.

[Chris]

I just remembered something. Around here, you can call the cops and ask them to come and witness a spanking. You're allowed 2 swats.

My grandma did this to my brother once. And NO JOKE!! He was 15. lol She even asked the cop if she could give him an extra swat.

Reading over my comment I realized I made it sound like I only spank for "deadly related consequences" Well, that's not true.

Take for instance the pudding Val talked about. I'd prefer my kids were thinking "This is a bad idea. My mom will probably spank me." instead of "HA! She's gonna be mad. She'll probably give me a stern look and tell me she's disappointed. LMAO!!! Pudding is SO worth getting a dirty look. Maybe she'll put me in time out. That's okay. I'll probably need a nap about that time anyways. Mmmm pudding."

I've never smacked a bare butt. Never smacked a leg to make sure they felt it. Never got out a racetrack, a switch, a belt or an electrical cord. I popped diapers and I'm not sure that should even count as spanking.

[lora]

I'm not a spanker. I thought I would be, but with all the info I've picked up at work and with plain old mom experience I realize it's counter intuitive.

I don't want to scare my child. It's pointless, to me. I understand why other people would. I want my child to be afraid of natural consequences, not his mother.

That said, Jake is IN LINE almost all the time. I don't have to spank or hit to make him realize how serious I am. A tone of voice, a look, and a tight grip on the wrist all work just as well. In all my years of children's services, I've never known a child to die because they weren't spanked. I've known more than enough who have died at the hands of their caregivers and parents.

Do I want to yell "don't hit" at my kid while I'm hitting him because he hit someone? No.

It's like saying "stop fucking swearing you little bastard". Mixed messages.

In Philly, spanking is a reportable offense. I've never reported for spanking, although I could lose my job because of it. I think it is up to the individual families to decide.

[Chris]

I've actually gone through that exact scenario. Well, not the chasing of other children, but the reply as to why. We simply explained that only mommies and daddies spank.

I'm a firm believer in spanking. Especially for the reasons that you pointed out. It's a choice between me popping their butt or them being killed. And with all of my kids, once they were out of diapers, I don't think any of them were spanked again.

Another thing I did on a regular basis was smacking of hands. Now, the trick to this one is to hold their hand and smack your own. It's the sound that gets them.

And, truthfully... spanking a toddler in a diaper is more about the fear factor. Hearing that diaper pop scares them. I know I'm opening myself up to the "why would you want your children to be afraid of you?" comments... but.. I'd prefer they be afraid rather than be a pancake in the middle of a parking lot.