STINKY JOHN JONES

Um, Hello....you have a brain, so use it!

After work, I stopped at the local ice cream place to get a cake.  After picking out the cake and ordering balloons, I went to pay, except I was quickly informed that they don't take credit cards.  I never carry cash.  So I make a mad dash to the bank down the road.  As I pulled into the parking lot I saw arrows pointing towards a drive-up ATM.  Great, I thought, quick and easy.  So, I wind around to the other side of the building, and maybe half way around I got behind a man in one of those teeny tiny itty bitty BMW convertibles.  You know, the one where you can see the headrest of the driver's seat smack up against the back window.  Anyway, he was ahead of me.  And going REALLY, REALLY SLOW.  He FINALLY pulls up to the machine, and then realizes that he can't reach the card slot from his window.  DUH!  You are driving what I would consider a high priced golf cart and this surprises you? 

So, he opens his door, but he is too close, and can only get it open maybe a couple of inches, not enough room to get out.  So we sit for a couple minutes as he tries to figure out what his next move is. Now, he decides he will get out of his car from the passenger side to reach the machine at the DRIVE-UP ATM!  But, this is no small feat.  He needs to drag his large body across the seat of this teeny tiny itty bitty little Barbie car. 

By this point there is a car behind ME and I have been sitting here for about 10 minutes or so.....wasting gas while my car is running at the DRIVE-UP ATM which anyone would assume was going to be QUICK.
The man finally gets out, uses the machine, and is now crawling back across the passenger seat as he contorts himself in positions I have never seen before to fit behind the wheel of his golf cart car.  Finally, I thought to myself.  Now get out of my way so I can get the hell out of here. 

A minute passes, five minutes pass.  I watch this man fumble around inside his car.  He is stretched across the seat, now he is reaching into his pockets.  He opens the passenger door, he closes it, he opens the driver's door, hits the machine, closes it.  The windows go down, they go up, he is looking behind him, in front of him, under the seats.  Right about now, thoughts of pushing him out of my way are running through my head.  I had to put the car in park just in case my foot involuntarily hits the gas and rams him from behind.  He gets out the passenger side, AGAIN!  Now he walks behind the car, in front of the car, and then over to me.

"I can't find my keys." he tells me.
"Um, okay.  You had them when you got here since THIS (as I point to the machine) is a DRIVE-UP ATM!"
"Yea, but I shut the car off and threw them somewhere and now I can't find them." as he walks back to the passenger side of his car,  not realizing that I could jump out of my van at any minute and hurt him....bad.

An Asian man walks over from around the building and asks the man what the problem is.  He explains to him the key situation, and now we have two people searching this itty bitty teeny tiny little thing of a car for a set of keys so he can GET THE HELL OF OUT OF MY WAY!  Now, remember, this car is small....really small....it's like looking for a soup ladle in your kitchen utensil drawer.  It's SMALL!

Eureka, they find them!  Apparently they fell under the seat, you know, one of TWO that are in the cart car.   I watch him start the car, and then continue to fumble around inside!  NOW I RAM YOU I thought as I put the van in gear.  Just as I was about to slam my foot on the gas pedal, he started moving. At a very slow pace, but still....miracles don't happen over night, right? 
Thank God....that would have been a hard one to explain to the insurance adjuster. 

The moral of the story...............drive-up ATM's are only quick and easy when you're first in line....and not behind a man who drives a car smaller than my kids Barbie jeep!
 

"STUCK"

First off, I need to create a category called "idiot"...so hold on a minute. 

Alrighty, now that I've taken care of that...let's get into it.  If you remember this post...then you'll remember Big Daddy and his fight against the fruit snack.  But, for some reason, having something STUCK TO you is not as good as being STUCK IN something.  And what's better...he needed to ruin my day to prove this.

The story starts off very simply.  Big Daddy decided he wanted to, innocently enough, do a little fishing.  I,  on the other hand, wanted to enjoy a leisurely walk along the river since it was a nice day.  So whats a couple to do....split up.... go our separate ways, each towing a child.  My child was the stroller bound one since this was to be a nice walk, his child...the one that can fish without having to worry about a hook getting stuck to some stranger's ass. 

So off we go.............I am strolling along gabbing with my parents while enjoying the view when suddenly I hear a cell phone ring....it's not mine....I left mine in the car where it belongs because who the hell wants to be bothered by needless crap.  I hear my Mom answer, I hear her say "Yea, hold on" and then I know.  I just know that something, or rather some idiot, is about to ruin my day.  And what do you know.....it's Big Daddy......"I'm stuck, I'm stuck in the mud.  I'm low on gas, and I need someone to pull me out." 
Click....that was me, I hung up.  At first I thought, oh well...your fault.  But then it dawned on me when I looked over and only one of my children is with ME!  CRAP!  I can't leave my child stranded.

But what the hell am I supposed to do?  When I get to the "area" (we will talk more on this later) he is fishing, I can't even see the car.  Then way off in the distance I see the moron waving.  But I still can't see the car.  I get out of the car and trudge on down there only to find the stuck against a tree, not only stuck, but without gas so we can't even start the car to push it out.  What I don't get at the moment, is WHY he drove the car into that area, especially since it is a freakin' rear wheel drive sporty thing.  I ask.....he answers...I don't like his answer....I yell....he yells....I call him a freakin' idiot and threaten a crime of passion....he yells some more....I leave....with both kids. 

That's right...you heard me...I left his ass there.  Alone, with a car stuck in the mud, no gas, and maybe 5 miles from home.  You have a fishing pole, catch dinner I say. You have a phone, call someone who cares.  And I went home.  I was totally fine with my decision, and was even preparing a snack for the kids when suddenly J Girl pipes up, "Mommy?  Are you going to leave Daddy there?" 
Crap, crap and double crap.  "Of course not sweety."  I say, "Mommy, just came home to get the gas can."

Great!  Now I have to help him and my lesson is ruined...ruined I said.  I go to the shed and grab the gas can, throw it and the kids in the car and head to the gas station.  You know that place Big Daddy apparently can not for the life of him find.  On my way I call "the moron" and tell him to in turn call a couple of our friends to help since there is no freakin' way I am pushing that car out alone. I fill the can and again head on back to that "area" he is fishing. 

Upon arrival I was happy to see two friends there happily awaiting to help.  Big Daddy filled the car with gas, huh who'd a thought it needed that, and I climbed into the drivers seat and vroom, it started.  I drop it into first gear and screamed, "Heave, Ho, Heave, Ho" out the window while the men pushed.  Suddenly it broke loose from the rut and with the pedal to the floor the car screamed up the enbankment spewing mud all over Big Daddy while his cohorts, once again, were smart enough to step out of the way.

I parked the car and walked back to our friends to thank them for all their help.  As we all headed back to our vehicles one friend asked, "What the hell are you doing back here anyway Big Daddy?" 
"Fishin" Big Daddy answered.
At that moment, I heard a chuckle.  I instantly turned around because I just knew, I just knew this story was not over yet. 
"What are you talkin' about fishin'.....this ain't nothin' but runoff water...there ain't no fish in there!"