STINKY JOHN JONES

Make Me Laugh Monday!

My Brother-In-Law passes along some really good ones.......enjoy......

WHY AM I MARRIED?
        _
        You have two choices in life:
        You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish
        you were dead.
        __________

        At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you
        wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
        "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
        __________

        A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
        "Husband Wanted".
        Next day she received a hundred letters.
        They all said the same thing:
        "You can have mine."
        __________

        When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge
        than to let her keep him.
        __________

        A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
        __________

        A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
        get married?"
        Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
        __________

        A young son asked, "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
        a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
        Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
        __________

        Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real
        happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
        __________

        Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
        __________

        If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to
        every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
        __________

        Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through
        life thinking they had no faults at all.
        __________

        First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
        Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
        __________

        "A Woman's Prayer:
        Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to
        forgive him, and for Patience for his moods.
        Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death"
        __________

        AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
        Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine
        children.
        A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
        When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife
        and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
        So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
        After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the
        stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says
        to him, "Why
        don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That
        ticking sound is driving me crazy."
        The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of
        YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."

Thought this would be great to sum up the above as passed on to me from my Mom.......

Make Me Laugh Monday

This came in through email, and thought I would share:

A STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

A very self-important university freshman from Ottawa
University took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen
standing next to him while waiting for a bus, that it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his
generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost
primitive one," the student said, loud enough for the other
passengers nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television,
jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our
spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric
and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and ."

Pausing for breath, the Senior took advantage of the break
in the student's litany and said:

"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when
we were young ... so we invented them.
Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next
generation?"

The applause was resounding...

Don't you just love senior citizens.



The best part about this little story.....the seniors were taking the BUS!  And that's the way I like 'em....off the road!

Make Me Laugh Monday!

Just a couple like anecdotes....enjoy!

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a  big f---ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


Dumb ass.

Why parents drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello? "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes" whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is all that noise?"
"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME".

I Love Mustard

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a
fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet
Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the
table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

'Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,'
She said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers.

I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine
boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife Said,
'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard "Poupon.''

Make Me Laugh Monday

Not too long ago we took a trip to Disney.  We decided to try and stay outside the park to keep the cost somewhat low.....and we thought, why not...you only sleep at the hotel anyway. 
That experience was one we will never forget....and will never do again.  If you are thinking about vacationing at Disney, do yourself a favor....stay inside the park....the extra money is well worth it. 

Anyway, our hotel provided a shuttle service to and from the parks.  The shuttle was really a luxury type bus with televisions playing, of course, Disney movies.....but really.....the luxury stopped there.  We were the first stop, and we had like six more before the park. Each stop picked up more and more people.  As people entered the bus, the driver would walk up and down the aisles checking seating arrangements.  "Three to a seat!" she would yell.  "Children on your laps!"  By the last stop, there were three to a seat and an aisle full of people, but more were getting on the bus.  "Move back!" she would scream.  We would ride the last 5 minutes or so like sardines.  It was absolutely crazy....and I thought it was about as bad as it could get.......until I saw this......it could have definitely been worse.......

 

Make Me Laugh Monday

The difference between mommies and daddies.
 
 
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge. I was maybe 1 and a half years old. 

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a  little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her  wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'


 

Make Me Laugh Monday!

For the women out there...this is great, and long awaited!

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
 
The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As All men will.)  Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00...... on one condition"
 
Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.  The man replied,  "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully said....
 

"Clean my house."

(YOU GO, GIRL!)

And for the men out there....this is for the women too...hahahaha!

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.   The woman says, "So, you're a man.  That's interesting. I'm a woman.  Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.  This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God!"   But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle.   My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.   Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.



The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies,  "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."



MORAL OF THE STORY :



Women are clever, evil bitches.  Don't mess with us.


 Now....of course....for some great pics! 
If you are easily offended...please don't look.

Make Me Laugh Monday!

I will start you off with a little joke I came across....and just for the record...for some reason what I wanted to post today has entirely to do with the age challenged (was that PC?).....that's just how the cards fell, but by no means do I mean any harm...just a little funny!

A Personal Ad for the Elderly

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.

Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."

"Yes, but are you good in bed?"

"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

Now for some pictures that you may want to look away from, but for some reason, they are like a bad car accident, you just can't!

                                                   

Make Me Laugh Monday!

May contain adult content....sorry kiddos!

Subject: WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM 
 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.
weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year
old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can
catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.
A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally
gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day,
he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost 10 lbs., as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20
pound! program m. The next day there's a knock at the
door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful,
sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is
wearing nothi ng but Reebok running shoes and a sign
around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can
have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This
girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but
no such luck. So for the next four days, the same
routine happens with him gradually getting in better
and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20
lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound
program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the
phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he rep! lies. " I haven't felt this good
in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door and when
he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing
there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a
sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you,
your ass is mine."

He lost 63 pounds that week.



Subject: Rubber Gloves

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
 
  A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
 
   "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
  "No, I don't," she replied.
   
  "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
   
  She didn't crack a smile.
 
  "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
   
  But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
 
  "What's so funny?" he asked
 
  "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
 
   Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!

Get Your Funny On!

edited 02/13/08: Just came across this concept today....I LOVE it since I already posted this on Monday without knowing that Absolutely Bananas was implementing this! 

Since it's Monday, thought I would lighten the mood with a few jokes I have been sent recently from friends and family...beware....these are just jokes....if you do not agree with the content....I don't care! (Just kidding...at this point, I'll take any comment I can get!)

This one is for all my Apple loving friends.......

A helicopter was flying around

 

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said ''WHERE AM I?'' in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said ''YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'' The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the ''YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER'' sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded ''I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.''

                                       

This one is for my Sister....she is the true Philly Girl...

                                                        Philly Girls          

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their wives duties. The first man  had married a woman from Maine and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had
given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the
cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and
he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a girl from South Philly. He boasted that he told
her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry washed
and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything,
the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone
down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher and telephone his mommy.  Gotta love them Philly Girls.

This one is for my little boy...oh how naive he is....he is his father's son.......

                                                                  Kids

    A 3-year-old boy examined
    his testicles while taking a bath.

        "Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"  "Not yet," she replied....


This one is for me....some days I could use this....

                                                            Nap Time

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position  in the hall, and slept for an hour.  This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

He lives in a home with ten children --he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?

And finally, this one is for hubby, or me....whichever way you look at it!.......

                                                            Deer Meat

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give the  a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for     the clue.

 

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes"

 

The little girl screams to her brother

Don't eat it, it's an asshole'....