STINKY JOHN JONES

Bliss

Night time lately has been just that.....pure bliss. 

And when I say bliss, I mean knock your socks off, both kids in bed by 8pm and asleep shortly after that good times a coming bliss.  Can you tell I am ecstatic!  
It's been five years people.  I have shared my bed for 5 years with at least one child.  One kicking, hitting, rolling around and pulling the covers off kid.  Lots of nights, times two. 

Now, in case you were wondering how....I will let you in on my secret......

First....get good and pissed.  It will help later in the process. 

Next, take the kid that's the worst, and put that one in his/her bed.  Tuck them in.  Say night night, time for bed.  A routine doesn't hurt here either.  We do snack/drink, 5 minute warning, bathroom, story then bed.

Now sit.  Right next to the bed.  At first the child will try to talk to you.  Ignore it.  This is key and will be your best friend during this process.  The power to tune it out.  Whatever you do, do not answer.  You are there in just body, not mind.

Next, the child will get angry.  He/She may scream and cry.  Even throw insults out like, "Get out of my room you idiot Mommy!" 

Ignore it. 

Maybe he/she begins to jump up and down in their bed.  Throw a pillow at you.  Even take a toy gun and toss it at your head.  It hurts, but don't show the pain.  Grimace inwardly. 

Ignore. Ignore.  Ignore.   And this is about the time you need to be good and pissed.  That bump on your head was actually a blessing in disguise.  It helps your stamina.  Plus, plugging your ears with your fingers helps.  

After the throwing subsides, you will notice the little imp begin to get tired and lay down.  Maybe even fetch the blanket and pillow and cover themselves up. 

And after a few more minutes, he/she is asleep.  

Now, you can leave.  Get a glass of wine.  Prozac.  Whatever helps. 

The next night?  Do it again.  But beware, they are onto you, so you really need to be on your game.  The fits get worse on the second night.  Don't give in, and believe me, you will want to.  45 minutes of pure screaming will do that to a person.  Fingers in your ears works here once again.  

By the third night?  All will be good in your world.  This night I took my book in and sat for maybe 15 minutes.  No screaming.  No talking.  Nothing.   Just rolled over and went to sleep.  

And each night thereafter was the same.  After about a week, I no longer needed to sit.  Just tucked in, talked for a couple minutes and off I went.  

What's even better?  Because you fixed the worst kid first, the other child gets to hear all the screaming.  And since it's behind closed doors, they have no idea what the hell is going on.  Thus, that child just rolls over and goes to sleep just to avoid whatever they thought happened to the first one. 

Genius I tell you.  

Be Supernanny

Advise....it comes from all directions, most of it conflicting.

And usually when you really don't want to listen.  You usually give the head nod and the yup, I know,
yea, yea, yeas.  And your mind is really just rattling off a list of things you could be accomplishing in those precious moments.  

Or, you could be me, and find yourself in the pediatrician's office for a routine visit and both kids are running around the room like maniacs, wrapping themselves up in the paper cloth that covers the examination table.  You try your hardest to calm them, but it only seems to rile them up more.  They are so loud that the doctor is actually yelling over them, only to turn around and hand you a pamphlet for a child behavior professional and mentions that you should give them a call, immediately. 
(True story)

Which is why I am turning to my internet peoples....because this is the place where you get it told to you like it is. 
I often wonder if the reason for that is because it's not face to face.  Easier to blend into the crowd after you just told some poor sap of a Mom that she is nuts and should have obtained herself a dog instead of children. 

But, sadly, I am welcoming it.  Give it to me good.  Your reward methods.  Discipline methods.  And be truthful.  None of this, well they came out of the womb perfect little angels and I just have to give them the stink eye and they know I mean business.  Besides, my labor was like 10 minutes and I skipped out of the hospital with a baby in my arm and a cake for the neighbor. 
By the way....does anyone really use the stink eye and if you do, would you mind taking a picture of yourself giving it.  I could really use that tool on my belt. 

Like I was saying....are you that brave Mom who takes your kids.....oh my God, I'm going to say it........to the grocery store??? If you do, HOW? 
From my experience, I have learned not to get hotdogs in the beginning of my trip because they will have been chewed on until they are unrecognizable by the end of the spree.   And I have to confess, I have actually hit the candy aisle first, grabbed a bag of lollipops and handed them to the kids with free reign.  It was the most enjoyable shopping adventure I have had to date.
Although if you are thinking about trying it, DON'T.  The repercussions of that are kids hanging from the ceiling fan and finally falling into a sugar coma an hour later, after screaming and crying until your head feels like it could just blow right off your shoulders.  Seriously.

How about eating out?  Been there, done that.  Actually cleared a table full of family due to embarrassment.  We have had so much experience in this department that we arm ourselves with a portable DVD player and iPod (the kids can't share) and have the waitress put the kid's order in before we even sit down. 
Although, by the time our dinner arrives, we need to eat like wolves on their last meal just to get out of there with the place in one piece.  Which is why our big night out is the play area of Burger King. 

Now, it's your turn.  Give me that motherly advise.  And if you have a story worse than any of the above, please tell.  It gives me sick pleasure to know someone else has it worse off than me.  Kinda the reason why I watch Jon and Kate plus 8. 

Freudian Slip of the Ultimate Kind

Seriously...

Stink has a new saying.  It only appears when he is in trouble, as an example, drowning his sister in the bathtub.  By accident, of course.  He just wanted her to drink the pretend medicine, and like a good doctor, he wanted to make sure it went down the hatch properly. 

It goes something like this....

"Stink!  Get out of the tub!"

"But Mom!"

"No, but Mom.  Out NOW!"

"But, I PROBABLY won't do it again!"

Yup.  Probably.  That is what he says.  Probably won't do it again. 

I have a feeling he means, 'I PROMISE I won't do it again.' but he gets confused.

That sad part is...PROBABLY is the right word.  Because he and I both know he just MIGHT do it again, or he MIGHT not.  Depending on his mood that day. 

And he knows it. 

Makes you think.....does he understand?  

I lean towards yes.  He totally gets it. 
And it's scary.  Down right shake in your boots lose your lunch scary. 
Let's just hope he channels that energy for good.  

Going Crazy

I am losing my freaking mind.  Literally.  I think I saw it hit the floor and the dog just ran away with it to chew on. 

I have kids who refuse to go to sleep.  Currently, both of them are crying in their beds. 
Stink comes out of his room a trillion times a night.....here he comes now!  Just pretend like you can't hear him.  It's like hiding from a bear, play dead.  Your only option since there are no trees to climb. 

Ok, the coast is clear.  He went back. 
Hey, that's an idea.  The Coast Guard. 

And although the other one stays in her bed, she screams at the top of her lungs for me to come lay with her.  And not just for a few minutes.  Been there, done that.  It's ALL NIGHT!

Not to mention that once they are finally asleep, both of them end back up in my bed sometime during the night.  Which means I will have either a foot in my face or someone will back-hand me across the nose at least once. 

I am exhausted.  There, I said it.  It's out there.        E    X    H    A    U    S    T    E    D!
I wish for peace and quiet.  For time to myself. 
Even if it's just to pluck the stray hairs from my eyebrows without slipping thus needing to pencil that part in for a good three weeks. 
Or maybe to read something other than smut because I know I can put that down a hundred times and not forget where I left off.
You know it's bad when you read trashy novels just because your concentration level isn't available for anything better.

Don't get me wrong....it's not always bad.  Some nights I only have one kid in my bed. 

*SCREAMING INTO MY PILLOW*

Got any ideas? 

Picture Story

Oh, the love they show for each other.  All the way to the end.  Not!

Yea, what she said

I know, I know.  Where have you been?! 

Well, it's summer.  And I have been spending all daylight hours outside in the beautiful sun, basking.

Which means catching up with chores at night and then crashing into bed to catch a few hours of sleep.  Not to mention, the kidlets have been getting to bed late, late, late.  I mean, it's not unusual for the fam to be swimming well into nightfall dodging mosquitoes under the water.  

With that said, I thought I would throw out a couple little ditties said to me by my beautiful daughter.....

One morning as we were busily trying to hurry out of the house for a day of work/day care, Chachi came to stand next to me as I prepared breakfast.  There I am slaving at the hot stove microwave when these big brown eyes look up at me and say,

"Mommy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think, if we like just have to go to the store real quick or somethin', you know like near our house or somethin' , that I can drive the car?"

"Um, no!" I say as I fall to the floor in shock, convulsing.

"Why not?!  I can drive the golf cart!" she yells. 

Isn't it kinda early for her to be asking for the car?  I mean, I understand with all the hormones in our food that kids are developing a wee bit faster, but still.  Come on.  At 5! 

And just this morning, I heard little foot steps come into the bathroom as I was showering.

"Hello?  Identify yourself or you get shampoo in the eye!" I yelled out. 

"It's me."  she giggles. 

"Who's me?" I question.

"Chachi.  You know that Mommy." she said with sleep in her voice.  

"Good morning, Chachi.  Have a nice sleepy?" I ask her tenderly.

"Um-hum." as I pull back the curtain and see her nod. 

"Are you sure you're Chachi?" I ask kiddingly, "Not Tinkerbell?"

"Yea, I'm Tinkerbell!" she exclaims, perking up, "But I will need wings."

"Ah, wings.  Well, I am fairly certain we can't just buy them at the store." I said playing along. 

"Not real ones anyway." she says.

"Nope, not real ones for sure."  I reiterate.

"Well, I am just going to have to find that Tinkerbell and take hers."

Baby It's Cold Outside

We decided to wake up and spend Sunday at the beach.

Of course, the weather didn't seem to be cooperating with us but we took the plunge anyway. (No pun intended!) 

After a very rocky start with the clouds, the afternoon sun decided to show it's face with a loud cheer from the beach crowds.

The kids played in the sand and Stink was still in the water, despite the frigid temperature of the ocean.  And the only skin exposed on my entire body ended up sunburned.  My shins.  Whoda thunk it. 

Runaway

Sometimes when the kids ask where I am going as I walk out the door with my purse and keys in hand, I casually say, "I'm running away." 

No one ever takes this seriously as they giggle and move on.
I have no idea why because I could really use a vacation, sans family, and often think of taking off to Disney World. (kinda like that nutty lady from Pa only she brought her kid.  I mean, come on, Amber Alert anyone!)

But, what I didn't figure on is that my kid would actually go through with it. 
Runaway.  Although not to Disney, but still......

We arrived home last night and just as we climbed out of the car the neighbor girl from two doors up was waiting to play.  I casually said "for a few minutes" and carried my things into the house leaving Thing 1 and the Runaway out front. 
I set my purse on the table, nodded a quick hello to the hubby and ran to the bathroom since I had an hour drive and needed to pee just as I pulled out of work. 
After finishing up and no more that a minute, all while hubby was sitting at the table watching the kids from the window, I opened the front door and called them in. 
Chachi began to walk up the driveway.
Stink did not. 

I called.
Nothing.
I called again.
Nothing.
I yelled for Dave to tell me where he was.
Nothing.

Just as I was about to run frantically around the neighborhood screaming at the top of my lungs, the neighbor Mom from two doors up calls down that Stink is there.

Apparently, he walked right into her house, grabbed a piece of ice out of her glass, and began to walk back out the door again! 
WHAT!?!? 

So, once again, I slinked home with my head hid in my sweater like those convicts on television from the court house to the prison van.  
And to think, hubby had him in his sight at all times. 
I am beginning to wonder if selective blindness is related to that hearing problem of his. 

Pee Pee

Just thought I would come right out and say it. 

Since I have a pile of it in my dining room at the moment. 

Two sets of sheets.  One comforter.  One blanket.  And a few pairs of underware.  

All waiting for the washer. 

But I don't have a working dryer at the moment.

At least not a working circuit breaker for the dryer.

Which means pee pee sits on the floor. 

Because it's raining out.

And I can't utilize my clothes line.

So they sit. 

And sit.

And sit. 

While Hubby and the Electrician go off to the Phillies game. 

This is no joke.

Hubby AND the Electrician.

Who is supposed to be here fixing the dryer.

Well, the circuit breaker that works the dryer. 

And I am here.

Smelling the Pee Pee. 

Lingering. 

Pee Pee.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder

As we all know, or if you happen to eat over and find it in your food......Chachi has long hair.  Very long.  Past her butt, long. 
And after it's washed and dried, it is gorgeous.  (Mom, I know!  It needs trimmed!) 

Now last night, was wash and dry night.  When it was all said and done, Chachi came jumping onto my bed swinging that hair to and fro. 

"Mommy, look at my beautiful hair!" she exclaimed as she pulled each side over her shoulders, smoothing it out. 
"Oh yes.  So silky and smooth." I tell her. 
"Uh-huh.  I know.  Don't you wish your hair was beautiful too?"
"What?  What's wrong with my hair?" I questioned her now slightly annoyed at this little beauty sucking bugger.
"It's ugly." she stated, matter-of-factly. 
"I don't think so." I said sitting up quickly searching for the closest mirror, "Go ask Daddy if he thinks Mommy is beautiful." 

That'll teach her, I thought.  He knows better than to say no to that question.  Gotcha beauty queen.

As she ran off in his direction, I hurried and listened by the door just out of sight. 

"Daddy?" I heard Chachi say, "Aren't I beautiful?" 

That little booger.